Written by Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon

Continued from page 1

14. SILLY-SYSTEMS THINKING DAY (Time to write easy-to-understand instructions so any baby-boomer you know can program his/her brand-new DVD player or assemble a piece of ready-to-assemble furniture without losing one's hair or sanity)

15. IDES OF MARCH (Time to don your toga or toad outfit and spit tacks, peas or sunflower seeds at anyone you please ...if that doesn’t work, get on your cell phone and do your rendition of, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear…”)

16. COWABUNGA DAY (Okay, now that you've strapped on your leather chaps and sharp spurs, you can tell our favorite cow pie story!)

17. LITTLE LEPRECHAUN DAY (Time to put on your hunter green tights, color your hair lime green, and spread lots of blarney in honor of a dandy dude named “St. Patrick” or was it "Dermotrepparttar Love Spot"?)

18. FLYING SAUCER APPRECIATION DAY (The only day when everyone can be an expert about strange goings on inrepparttar 118083 universe, crop circles, orrepparttar 118084 basement next door)

19. DWEEB APPRECIATION DAY (in recognition of allrepparttar 118085 wonky wunderkinds you know who haven’t got a clue how to install computer software or paint by numbers)

20. RED DWARF & GREEN KNIGHT APPRECIATION DAY (In honor ofrepparttar 118086 first day of spring, and odd things going on inrepparttar 118087 Forest amongrepparttar 118088 weird keepers ofrepparttar 118089 Holy Grail)

21. GIVE ME A BREAK DAY (A truly exceptional occasion to cash in on your “Get Out of Jail” free card, or a “Dog House Day Pass” from your modest outdoor accommodation of late)

22. CALL IN WELL DAY (Take advantage of your frightfully fabulous mental health these days and just goof-off for an afternoon atrepparttar 118090 beach, onrepparttar 118091 golf course, or sitting in your throne room reading your favorite comic books and munching on junk food)

23. OF COURSE I’M RIGHT DAY (Finally, it’s your turn to be King Canute or Queen Bee ofrepparttar 118092 Castle, as long as you remember, there’s a price to pay for everything! Like, tomorrow does not have your name written all over it!!)

24. DINGBAT FELLOWSHIP DAY (A time to honor allrepparttar 118093 off-the-wall folk you know and love …just like that long-lost Davy Crockett hat, polka dot hat and pink shoe laces, or that plastic hoola hoop you’ve got hidden inrepparttar 118094 closet)

25. SOPPY SONG AWARD DAY (Time to honor maudlin melodies, long-winded lyrics, soppy songs that should never have been written)

26. ARIES AWARENESS DAY (In honor of all those Mars-ruled brash, bossy beasts or barn-burning types you know -- not to be confused with otherrepparttar 118095 ‘ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong’ folk among your quaint circle of acquaintances)

27. WHITE RABBIT DAY (Okay if you see a floppy-eared, good-natured furry critter hopping downrepparttar 118096 bunny trail, it must be Easter. So drop your big stick, give it a carrot and whatever you do think good thoughts and make a big wish – it’s your lucky day!)

28. LONG NECK AND NOSE APPRECIATION DAY (This is a rather fine way to honor giraffes, geese, or other Pinocchio-like members of your menagerie afflicted with a curiosity gene disorder)

29. TACKY TROPHY DAY (A terrific time to craft your own tacky trophy or titillating talking stick designed to honor anyone who tellsrepparttar 118097 best jokes or funny anecdotes in town)

30. BEDSIDE & BIFFY BOOKWORM DAY (An excellent occasion to compare with family, friends and colleagues, just what bodacious boudoir or breathtaking biffy books they’re reading these days)

31. BOFFOLA RECOGNITION DAY (Time to use those gag lines that have been clogging up your email inbox – but only if they they’re guaranteed to produce a hearty laugh or make a big hit your cube farm or barnyard of life)

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of "The Quipping Queen" at

Quotes and Sayings - Colloquialisms Part 3

Written by Lisa Jay

Continued from page 1
"colder than a witches tit" "dumber (or crazier) than a sh__ house rat" "hanging around her like flies on sh__" "sh__ or get offrepparttar pot." "does a wild bear sh__ inrepparttar 118082 wood?" "busier than a cat covering sh__ on a tile floor" "hornier than a two p___ered billy goat" "stiffer than a wedding d__" "more nervous than a whore in church" "useless as t__s on a boar hog" "you think with you’re a__ instead of your head" "as sure as sh__ stinks" "colder than a well digger's a__" "colder'n a brass monkey's a__" "busy as a cat covering sh__ on a hot tin roof" "happier than a pig in sh__" "up s___ creek without a paddle" "a crock of sh__" "looks like a crow sh__ him on a fence post &repparttar 118083 sun hatched him out" "acting like a b____ in heat" "tighter than a gnats a__ stretched over a rain-barrel" "don't have a pot to p___ in or a window to throw it out" "shaking like a dog sh____in' razor blades" "built like a brick sh__ house" "I'll be dipped in sh__ and rolled in bread crumbs" "Up and down like a whore on Saturday night."(something that fluctuates wildly like our current stock market.) "frog's a__ watertight?" "actin' like her t___ got caught in a wringer" "You look like you have been drug through a knot hole a__ backwards." "like a fart in a glove" "I am broke as flat as p___ on a plate"Eeyes are sh__-color brown." "pleased as p___ 'n vinegar." "her a__ is as big asrepparttar 118084 broad side ofrepparttar 118085 barn." "10 pounds of sh__ in a 5 pound bag" "dumber than sh__" "thin as p___ on a plank" "can't find his a__ with both hands" "up to my a__ in alligators" "doesn't know his a__ from page 13." "so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his a__" "couldn't find his a__ with both hands and a coon dog" "slicker than puppy sh__ on a wood floor" "as tired as a whore on nickel night" "busy as a bull's a__ in fly season" "on her like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat" "like sh__ through a goose" - meaning fast "He doesn't have enough sense to pour p___ out of a boot." "pleased as piss 'n vinegar." "he wouldn't know sh__ from Shinola" "he doesn't know his a___ from a hole inrepparttar 118086 ground!"

Lisa Jay is a freelance writer and the jewelry designer behind Lantana Designwear. You can visit her websites at and Be sure to sign up for her newsletter at to receive information on jewelry, fashion and womens issues.

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