“So what do I do?” asked Marlo. “I’m so used to taking care of everyone else. I have no idea how to take care of myself.”

“Imagine that your feelings and needs are a small child that you’ve just adopted. What would you do to help her begin to feel loved?”

“Well, I would spend time with her, and listen to her, and hold her. I would let her know that I’m here and not going away. I would do lots of things to help her feel safe and loved.”

“Exactly!” I stated. “This is what you need to start to do for yourself. Keep imagining that your own feelings are a small child and you are parent of this child. You really do know how to be loving – it’s just that you’ve never thought about being loving to yourself. Take all that you’ve learned about giving to others and now give some of it to yourself.”

Then we moved on to another subject. “Marlo, do you have a source of spiritual guidance you turn to?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m a Christian and I turn to Jesus.”

“Good,” I said. “Now you need to start asking Jesus for information regarding loving action toward yourself. You do this by asking a question, such as, ‘Jesus, what would loving action be toward myself when Jack is angry with me?’ or ‘What is in my highest good when my children are being demanding or disrespectful toward me?’ Then imagine what Jesus might say to you. You might have to make it up for awhile, but after awhile you will begin to experience that Jesus is actually answering you. You will begin to experience two-way communication between you and Jesus. Are you willing to try this?”

Marlo was willing. I cautioned her that Jack and her children might be upset with her for awhile, because they were used to her being a caretaker, but that if they really loved her and wanted her to be happy, they would end up supporting her in loving herself.

“But what if Jack just stays mad?” she asked.

“Well, then you can decide what is in your highest good. But until you are loving to yourself, you will not know truth about Jack. Most of people I’ve worked with have found that when they are loving to themselves long enough, their whole relationship improves. I can’t guarantee it, but isn’t it worth a try, rather than just giving up?”

“Yes, I don’t really want to leave Jack. I’m excited about this. I finally have some hope for our relationship!”

Determining a financial plan that works might take months; many couples struggle for years before reaching a balance. Defining and discussing your money styles is first step, setting goals is second.

Review your financial picture. Are you both satisfied with your knowledge and control of “your” money and “our” money? Are you both knowledgeable about banking, insurance, investments, credit cards?

The routine business of a new life together should include following:  Reevaluation of life, health, auto and other insurance coverage  A change of beneficiary on insurance policies and company pension plans  Notification to social security of your marriage to ensure eligibility for your spouse's benefits and change of W-4 withholding  An assessment of impact of remarriage on alimony or pension/retirement benefits from a prior marriage  A consultation with an accountant to learn impact your marital status will have on your federal or state income tax obligations  In a remarriage, be aware that income of a new spouse may impact eligibility for financial aid of college-age children from a prior marriage.

You may need to consult your banker, your employer, your insurance agent, your accountant, your attorney or other professionals to accomplish these tasks.

Your goal in tying fiscal knot is to protect your spousal rights and save money. Begin your research before wedding and make sure you follow through.

Loveandthelaw.com should be your first stop - it’s an easy and inexpensive way to stay informed.