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As you practice Mindful Sex you will give yourself chance to discover what it is that you really like and you will begin to feel more comfortable communicating that to whomever you are having sex with, even if that person is yourself (i.e., masturbation). Here is gist:
As you begin to practice mindful sex, it is important to remember one thing: Whatever it is that you are doing, do it slightly slower than usual. This does not mean go in slow motion, it means just go slightly slower than you would think to go. As you move slightly slower, you give yourself opportunity to really be there in that moment and notice things that you may not have noticed. If you are giving a massage, you get to feel how person’s skin actually feels, is there a scent to oil? If so, inhale it. If oil is edible, take an extra moment to lick it and truly taste it in your mouth. Look over your partner and take a moment to take in all little nuances of person’s body. By slightly slowing down, you also allow yourself to relax a bit, and this not only helps in making this a richer experience, but also helps reduce anxiety if that is an issue (e.g., being overly sensitive or premature ejaculation).
You can apply this in every moment of sex that you find yourself in. For example, when you are giving oral sex, go slightly slower and notice smell and taste involved, feel texture of other person, is it soft/rough? What does person’s vagina or penis look like? As you go slightly slower you’ll find that it is not so difficult to notice these things and it will draw you deeper into experience and give you gift that you have not been privy to experience in past.
Ofcourse, you can apply this to intercourse as well. No matter your gender or sexual orientation, there is often some sort of sexual intercourse involved. It is important to let your partner know that you want to go slightly slower this time in whatever way you feel comfortable communicating that. As intercourse begins, notice sensations you are feeling. All parts of you are experiencing sensations from your head to your penis or vagina to your feet. If you find yourself thinking about something, notice that you are thinking about something and gently bring yourself back to your sensations. If you find yourself judging your self or other person, just notice that you are judging and gently bring yourself back to your sensations.
Paying attention to your sensations may also broaden your horizons on things you want to do. Maybe you notice that while having intercourse that you are not tasting anything so you decide to taste your partner by kissing or licking him/her. Maybe you want to smell your partner more to bring in that sensation. Maybe you open your ears and begin to hear what sex you are having sounds like. Maybe you’re now noticing for first time what other areas of your body are being touched during intercourse besides your penis, vagina, or nipples. You might just discover an erotic area of your body that you had not noticed before (e.g., back of knees, toes).
Having mindful sex is simply a teaching and a suggestion. If a spontaneous act of aggressive sex comes out and it is not a slightly slowed down process, than that is Ok too. This is simply an opportunity to broaden your awareness about yourself during act of sex and deepening richness of your experience. Of all things we have to experiment with on this planet, this is surely one of top. So, responsibly, go off and try this out, have fun, and broaden your horizons! You may just find that sex is a far more sensual and sacred experience than you had previously imagined.
Elisha Goldstein is a 4th year doctoral student at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto. He is currently exploring how the cultivation of sacred moments in daily life affects well-being and stress. If you would consider participating in this invaluable study, please go to http://sacredmomentstudy.blogspot.com You can also check out http://mindfulmoments.blogspot.com