Letters from North America

Written by Peary Perry

Continued from page 1

The point of all of this was to determine if animals have a sense of time. Obviously any animal (human or rodent) stoned on grass loses track of time and cannot concentrate. Not that rats and mice have to be anywhere at some specific time anyway, but I suppose it’s good to know they couldn’t be relied upon inrepparttar event we needed them for some important national security issue or something. One ofrepparttar 118259 researchers was quoted as saying “We and other animals have a sense of time. We can judge how long we have been waiting for a bus, for example, and decide thatrepparttar 118260 current wait is longer or shorter than usual.” He went on to say…”The marijuana-like substance dramatically alteredrepparttar 118261 ability ofrepparttar 118262 rats to maintain sustained attention. The implication is clear, that marijuana smokers shouldn’t drive after smoking.”

He didn’t elaborate on who should or shouldn’t drive. Rats or us? I’m also confused aboutrepparttar 118263 bus part. I haven’t taken a bus in quite a long time, so I can’t tell you from first hand experience, but have rats taken to ridingrepparttar 118264 Metro in parts of this country?

Boy, am I glad we spent a ton of taxpayer bucks to make a study of this magnitude. Not to be cynical, but I wonder what happens to those rats if you make them chug down, say four or five vodka martinis? They probably need to call a taxi. Friends don’t let rats drive, do they? I’m looking intorepparttar 118265 possibilities of a federal grant to studyrepparttar 118266 effects of obesity in ferrets if they eat forty hot dogs a day for a month. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

I was born at a very early age. I arrived in this world with very little. It was during the war and according to my parents, names were being rationed out. My Mom was kind of slow and she couldn't run very fast. I guess by the time she got down to the Federal Bureau of Names, all of the Johns, Jims, and Davids were gone.

So, according to what I've been told…she just settled on two names that were the same, but weren't. As in Peary Perry.

The Thing With No Name

Written by Merrill Guice

Continued from page 1

The belief that when you name something you have control over it comes to us from ancient times. Inrepparttar Bible, God was always renaming people to show his ownership of them. Parents dorepparttar 118258 same thing to children. Listen to parents atrepparttar 118259 end of their persuasions as they scream a child's full name to let them know that they really are serious this time.

I have no better example of this thanrepparttar 118260 feckless male practice of naming their reproductive organs. Most men (and all women agree with them) have no control over it. None at all. So, they name it inrepparttar 118261 hope thatrepparttar 118262 appearance of control is almost as good asrepparttar 118263 real thing. As you may have guessed by now, mine was nameless for many years.

I was unaware that I had neglected this vital rite of passage until one night when I wasrepparttar 118264 designated driver for a van-load of drunk radio people. My all-female crew were chattering away as we rolled back into town on US 41. One of them told of a recent floating party onrepparttar 118265 Suwannee River (and they were way down apon it, too) whererepparttar 118266 weekend had come torepparttar 118267 obligatory skinny dipping event.

"All of them had names for their hoonies!" she screamed and allrepparttar 118268 others screamed, too.

Very quickly, eyes rested onrepparttar 118269 sober sales manager who was drivingrepparttar 118270 van --repparttar 118271 only male inrepparttar 118272 vehicle. Since they were drunk andrepparttar 118273 radio station was too small to have a sexual harassment policy, they asked. They didn't believe. Surely a woman downrepparttar 118274 line had done for me what I had not done for myself. Things were getting uncomfortable, so I took control -- I named it.

Right there in front of them, I named it afterrepparttar 118275 station's receptionist who was riding shotgun inrepparttar 118276 van. She admitted it to be a singular honor. She didn't admit to much else after that. One ofrepparttar 118277 other girls began teasing her over it, so I threatened to have a name change ifrepparttar 118278 subject wasn't dropped. Virility intact, I hastened back to town clutchingrepparttar 118279 forlorn hope that they would be too drunk to remember my act of wild abandon.

It must have beenrepparttar 118280 secondary alcohol fumes. How else do you explain that your member is named for a stranger you never knew inrepparttar 118281 biblical sense?

No. I'm not telling you. She got married. He has lawyers. I avoid tattoo parlors.

Merrill Guice was raised by opposums in the swamps of South Georgia. He holds forth (and holds a fifth) on his website at www.thegoosesnest.com

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