Learning From All Our Relationships

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


Continued from page 1

Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, and we haverepparttar opportunity to learn from each difficult interaction. For example, if we believe we are inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we will tend to take personally othersí cold or judgmental behavior toward us. We may feel rejected and alone, and respond with anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our painful feelings and reactive behavior can alert us torepparttar 126212 fact that we need to explore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know you are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of your self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you do, how you perform or how you look, then you will be much less likely to take otherís cold or judgmental behavior personally. You might respond with understanding, compassion or with gently removing yourself fromrepparttar 126213 situation, but you would not feel hurt by otherís behavior, nor would you get angry, resentful or withdrawn.

All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile ground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing to notice all painful interactions and feelings - even to people with whom you are not involved, such asrepparttar 126214 person who cut you off onrepparttar 126215 freeway orrepparttar 126216 clerk atrepparttar 126217 market who was rude - you can learn much about your false beliefs about yourself and about what you can and cannot control. Your feelings such as anger atrepparttar 126218 person who cut you off onrepparttar 126219 freeway or resentment towardrepparttar 126220 rude clerk are red flags that let you know itís time to look within and explorerepparttar 126221 beliefs that are causing your difficult feelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming from your own beliefs rather than fromrepparttar 126222 otherís behavior, you are onrepparttar 126223 road to personal responsibility andrepparttar 126224 personal power that comes with that.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com


Traumas as Social Interactions

Written by Sam Vaknin


Continued from page 1

In other words, society, by itself being in a state of rage, positively enforcesrepparttar narcissistic rage reactions ofrepparttar 126211 grieving victim. This, inrepparttar 126212 long run, is counter-productive, inhibits personal growth, and prevents healing. It also erodesrepparttar 126213 reality test ofrepparttar 126214 victim and encourages self-delusions, paranoidal ideation, and ideas of reference.

PHASE IV

Victim Phase IV - DEPRESSION

Asrepparttar 126215 consequences of narcissistic rage - both social and personal - grow more unacceptable, depression sets in. The victim internalizes his aggressive impulses. Self directed rage is safer but isrepparttar 126216 cause of great sadness and even suicidal ideation. The victim's depression is a way of conforming to social norms. It is also instrumental in riddingrepparttar 126217 victim ofrepparttar 126218 unhealthy residues of narcissistic regression. It is whenrepparttar 126219 victim acknowledgesrepparttar 126220 malignancy of his rage (and its anti-social nature) that he adopts a depressive stance.

Society Phase IV - HELPLESSNESS

People aroundrepparttar 126221 victim ("society") also emerge from their phase of rage transformed. As they realizerepparttar 126222 futility of their rage, they feel more and more helpless and devoid of options. They grasp their limitations andrepparttar 126223 irrelevance of their good intentions. They acceptrepparttar 126224 inevitability of loss and evil and Kafkaesquely agree to live under an ominous cloud of arbitrary judgement, meted out by impersonal powers.

Summary Phase IV

Again,repparttar 126225 members of society are unable to helprepparttar 126226 victim to emerge from a self-destructive phase. His depression is enhanced by their apparent helplessness. Their introversion and inefficacy induce inrepparttar 126227 victim a feeling of nightmarish isolation and alienation. Healing and growth are once again retarded or even inhibited.

PHASE V

Victim Phase V - ACCEPTANCE AND MOVING ON

Depression - if pathologically protracted and in conjunction with other mental health problems - sometimes leads to suicide. But more often, it allowsrepparttar 126228 victim to process mentally hurtful and potentially harmful material and pavesrepparttar 126229 way to acceptance. Depression is a laboratory ofrepparttar 126230 psyche. Withdrawal from social pressures enablesrepparttar 126231 direct transformation of anger into other emotions, some of them otherwise socially unacceptable. The honest encounter betweenrepparttar 126232 victim and his own (possible) death often becomes a cathartic and self-empowering inner dynamic. The victim emerges ready to move on.

Society Phase V - DENIAL

Society, onrepparttar 126233 other hand, having exhausted its reactive arsenal - resorts to denial. As memories fade and asrepparttar 126234 victim recovers and abandons his obsessive-compulsive dwelling on his pain - society feels morally justified to forget and forgive. This mood of historical revisionism, of moral leniency, of effusive forgiveness, of re-interpretation, and of a refusal to remember in detail - leads to a repression and denial ofrepparttar 126235 painful events by society.

Summary Phase V

This final mismatch betweenrepparttar 126236 victim's emotional needs and society's reactions is less damaging torepparttar 126237 victim. He is now more resilient, stronger, more flexible, and more willing to forgive and forget. Society's denial is really a denial ofrepparttar 126238 victim. But, having ridden himself of more primitive narcissistic defences -repparttar 126239 victim can do without society's acceptance, approval, or look. Having enduredrepparttar 126240 purgatory of grieving, he has now re-acquired his self, independent of society's acknowledgement.



Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com




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