2) Encourage participation in those desires in a physical way now (right now) if possible. Writing poetry or a mini-novel—even a script for a tv show, drawing, picking up and instrument and trying it, shooting photographs, making a video, painting and decorating his bedroom, sending a letter to President of United States, etc.

3) Ground child in reality of situation & current needs. When she has to do something RIGHT now, calmly and detached state in few words what needs to take place. Also validate her desires by adding “it would be nice to do that someday”. You may even want to converse further about that impulsive desire—again: listen and learn, while helping her attend to responsibilities of situation at hand.

4) Meet some of desire while lowering intensity for her. If he just has to go to a professional ball game (now!), try going through his card collection to see which players and positions he is most interested in. OR get on computer and begin a card collection for him—let him help pick out cards and teams. Have someone in family take 20-60 minutes out to play that sport with him now. After energy has been released, maybe go to blockbuster and get a video where that sport is theme.

The process to help a child deal with STRONG impulses is time consuming. Two points of reality are:

a) There really isn’t any way around time consumption. Whether we deal with desires head on or waste time arguing and trying to shift our children to something else “more reasonable”, time expended will be relatively equal.

b) We are giving them life long skills that may save them years of frustration: by taking time to encourage our children to think creatively, stay with a theme of desire while channeling it reasonably. And this is one of our heart’s desires  .

Until next time—all best, Kate

Anger has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents and caregivers need to make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary by controlling anger. Save drama for a time when it is really needed. On occasion, shocking statements do have a place in parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only sever to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.

Search your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging relationship you have with your child? Here are some steps to help you take control when you feel frustration and anger rise.

-Take a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your diaphragm. Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words evaporate into air.

-Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping motion. This will indicate to your child that you need a moment and serve to remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.

-Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue to breathe deeply.

-Wait until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally bring your voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level.

-Then logically explain reason for your anger to your child, voiding threats and harsh criticism.

-It's okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy room or a bad grade, but focus on problem and offer a solution or deliver a fair ultimatum.

-If punishment is necessary, make it realistic. I don't know of a single parent that took away television privileges from their child for rest of their life.

-Follow through on your words.

-If you do get angry, offer your child an apology, not an excuse. Take blame for your actions.

-Closely examine situation that triggered your anger. Was it really your child? Is there an underlying factor? If so, what can you do to correct situation or avoid it in future?

Anger is a natural emotion. It can't be completely controlled or removed from our lives, but you can change way you handle things. In doing so, you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful relationship with your child. Healthy communication is a parent's weapon against outside world. A child should turn to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in fear.

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