The answers will only come from parents who take time to sort through challenges themselves. Those who grapple with issues, questions. Those who are willing to live in messiness, ambiguities, challenges and opportunities that come with raising teenagers. It’s a big effort. Are your kids worth it?

Parents should do this together. We should dig in, discuss, argue even how to raise our teenagers. The answers will come when we spend time to examine questions. Our positions become clear and easier to articulate and defend when we’ve discussed them together. We don’t have to agree on how we handle things, but our teenagers benefit when we’ve invested time and energy into a thoughtful examination of how we’re raising them. No parental isolation allowed. Herd mentality… talking and doing things together. We can take a page out of teenagers’ book.

You’ve got to dig in and engage. What are your rules, and why? What limits are negotiable? Which ones aren’t? What does your kid think of them? Have you helped him/her figure out how he can live within rules? What are his escape hatches? Does he buy into your belief system? Is she likely to engage in some of these stupid maneuvers?

There are no guarantees. Our kids are likely to surprise us – and not always for better. Chances are they will make some mistakes along way. But best chance they’ll have is when their parents dig in, engage with them, establish a support and communications network in community, and let them know we are there for them. Short of that, you’re leaving a lot up to chance.

Sue Blaney

Sue Blaney is author of Please Stop Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out Ride, a guide for parents and self-facilitated discussion groups. She is reachable at www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com. Copyright Sue Blaney, 2003