Written by B. Blitterlees and E. Craboon

Continued from page 1

July 14 – JAW-BONING & JAY-WALKING DAY (Time to recognizerepparttar vital role played by influence peddlers and crazy cross-walkers inrepparttar 146162 lives ofrepparttar 146163 dull and boring).

July 15 – JOB’S COMFORTER AWARENESS DAY (There’s one in every crowd who discourages or depresses while seemingly giving comfort and consolation – give them a wailing towel, a big fat sucker, and send them back where they came from fast!)

July 16 – JOSHING & BANTERING DAY (Good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs burn calories and brings bliss, what more do you want from life?)

July 17 – JUMPER, JUMP-SUIT & JOHNNY FASHION DAY (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 – NATIONAL PUT-YOUR-JOHN-HENRY-HERE DAY (Finally a day to finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that none of us can read!)

July 19 – JANGLED NERVES & JIGSAW PUZZLE DAY (A time to honor little lost puzzle pieces and those frazzled folks who call this leisure activity – stress-busting!)

July 20 – JODHPUR APPRECIATION DAY (A form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut throughrepparttar 146164 hips that every well-dressed closet elephant-lover should wear!)

July 21 – JOLLY ROGER RECOGNITION DAY (Pirates are pleased that basic black is back, while patriotic flag-waving folk adorerepparttar 146165 classic look of skulls and cross-bones to impress their friends & allies!)

July 22 – JOHNNY-COME-LATELY DAY (If you’re always late for a very important date …and your name’s notrepparttar 146166 “Mad Hatter”… this day is made for you!)

July 23 – JITTERBUG APPRECIATION DAY (So you have two left feet, and you can’t findrepparttar 146167 right groove let alonerepparttar 146168 wrong one…but who says you can’t jive, jump and down, or jiggle your booty likerepparttar 146169 Big Bopper orrepparttar 146170 Loony Crooner?)

July 24 – JETSAM & FLOTSAM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to toss a few things overboard inrepparttar 146171 sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip onrepparttar 146172 Titanic!)

July 25 – JIGGING, JOGGING, & JUGGLING DAY (A way to honor those who like tap dancing onrepparttar 146173 head of a pin, running a mile in someone else’s shoes, or deftly tossing objects inrepparttar 146174 air with not a hope in hell of catching them withoutrepparttar 146175 aid of an iron fist in a velvet glove, a spanking new magic wand andrepparttar 146176 Wizard of Id presiding over this ridiculous spectacle).

July 26 – JALOPENA PEPPER AWARENESS DAY (Ifrepparttar 146177 devil is inrepparttar 146178 details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce forrepparttar 146179 main course and hot peppers for dessert! So if you want to be a big bouncer or a big bazooka movie star – eat plenty of those suckers!)

July 27 – JUMP IN THE JACUZZI DAY (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers and enjoy a bubble bath with your friends or neighbors).

July 28 – INTERNATIONAL JARGON APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who loverepparttar 146180 sound of their own voices and enjoy spitting out some very strange words that baffle or bogglerepparttar 146181 mind of those who have to wade through all their bleeping bumpf!)

July 29 – JOVIAL JINGOISM DAY (Time to write a catchy, hilarious but short patriotic jingle to rallyrepparttar 146182 freedom-loving world againstrepparttar 146183 evils of consuming Neapolitan ice-cream with a rosy red, sticky maraschino cherry on top!)

July 30 – JACK-IN-THE-BOX & JUMPING JACK DAY (A day honoring all those who spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and other resources trying to stuff “Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick” or just a bunch of jack-ass types back intorepparttar 146184 wrong frigging box ...but never tell that to a manager…these Big Blessed Birds are paid to pigeon hole everyone!)

July 31 – JOWL APPRECIATION DAY (This is joy-filled festive occasion features fondling of a dewlap, wattle or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are two charm-free types (who having been tossed out of the House of Lords and Ladies in Jolly Olde England) ended up in the Court of the Quipping Queen situated on the tip of Vancouver Island waiting for a 9 point on the Richter scale earthquake to hit at any moment. (In the meantime, please feel free to drop by for more breathtaking details).

Taking A Little Time Out For Time

Written by Timothy Ward

Continued from page 1

I feelrepparttar extreme need to insert a time cliche here. This cliche makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and probably has pagan, barbaric origins, but I think it summarizes what we've learned thus far in our discussion. So here goes our first time cliche 'A stitch in time saves nine'. And now back torepparttar 145853 show.

There have been numerous different kinds of clocks throughout history. Many of them made absolutely no sense whatsoever. A good example of this isrepparttar 145854 ancient Egyptian water clock, which was basically just a bowl with a hole inrepparttar 145855 bottom of it. There were markings onrepparttar 145856 inside ofrepparttar 145857 bowl that measured repparttar 145858 passage of 'hours' asrepparttar 145859 water level reached them. One of repparttar 145860 obvious problems with this clock wasrepparttar 145861 fact that whenever working-class Egyptians wanted to get off work early they would keep taking little sips of water fromrepparttar 145862 bowl/clock throughout repparttar 145863 day. This was one ofrepparttar 145864 reasons it took so long to finish repparttar 145865 Pyramids.That andrepparttar 145866 lack of power tools.

Time doesn't permit us to talk aboutrepparttar 145867 other types of ancient clocks like obelisks, sundials, and hemicycles. And there definitely isn't time to go into merkhets.

Speaking of merkhets, a close cousin ofrepparttar 145868 clock isrepparttar 145869 watch. The watch isrepparttar 145870 time-telling device that most of us use today. We do not however, use it to tell time. We use it to do numerous other tasks that watch manufacturers have incorporated into watches like instant messaging, reading email, and fast forwardingrepparttar 145871 DVD player. There's even a new watch onrepparttar 145872 market that comes equip with a radiation detector. And you laughed atrepparttar 145873 Eyptians for drinking from their time-telling devices.

Obviously, time is not something that can be explained in just one lesson. There's a ton of more interesting stuff we could go into about time but, frankly, I don't feel like takingrepparttar 145874 time to look it up right now. I believe I've achieved my goal of using as many time cliches as I possibly could in one article and now, I think it's time to call an extended timeout on this whole time subject. I'm sure when I do writerepparttar 145875 follow-up to this article that it will be just inrepparttar 145876 nick of time. Probably sometime around Wayeb 1st.

Timothy Ward invites you to subscribe to his weekly humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal' at

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