I’m Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?Written by Sharon Ellison
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Insecure about our relationship lately?” · Translation: If you are upset about my not calling, real cause is your own insecurity, not anything I did. Two: Only say “I’m sorry,” when you mean it and can specify exactly what you are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a “healthy” or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was disrespectful or inconsiderate without: · immediately explaining why we did it, · telling person that however it looked or sounded, it wasn’t our real intention, or, · bringing up some other issue that suggests that other person contributed to or caused problem. For example, instead of focusing on why she didn’t buy Trang-Lei’s lunch—her excuse, Martha could have taken full responsibility, saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me. And you spent your only day off doing it.” Here, Martha uses her apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness that she didn’t do so earlier. · Three: Decline to accept an apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology, and then walk away knowing it wasn’t real, you enter a world of make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can decline a hollow apology. For example: · If you believe that I simply misunderstood you, then I would rather not have an apology from you. · Only if you believe you did something hurtful would I want one. When you refuse to accept an insincere apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or pacified and you hold other person more accountable—without having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a strong model for others, including our children, teaching them that real apologies show strength of character, gain respect of others, and have great healing power. This article is based on book Taking War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant. Please visit http://www.pndc.com
| | Get Out of Jail Free: Stop Being DefensiveWritten by Sharon Ellison
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They had best talk they'd had in years. It can seem like a miracle when we ask a question that is simply curious, when we don’t try to control answer. Sally said she and Marcus had best talk they’d had in years. But what if person doesn’t open up? What do we do then? Number Three: Giving Feedback—Be honest without blame: We can tell person what we are witnessing without trying to prove our point. Sally could say to Marcus, (1) “When I hear you say that you are fine, which usually means to me that someone is in a pretty good mood, and (2) (2) at same time I see you frowning and slumped in your chair, then (3) (3) it seems to me that you are upset, but don’t want to tell me why.” In one sentence, Sally has given Marcus information about what she thinks his words are saying, what she sees his body expressing that contradicts his words, and what her conclusion is about why he is acting that way. But she has not tried in any way to force him to admit to anything or to do anything differently. Number Four: Express your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs—Share your own vulnerability. Once person knows how we see situation, we can express our own reactions without being defensive. Sally might continue her statement to Marcus by saying: (4) “So I feel helpless, and it’s hard for me not to try to make you talk, but I don’t think that is good for either of us.” Number Five: Predictions (Limit Setting)—Create security by being predictable: We can tell other person ahead of time how we will respond to certain choices he or she might make. Sally can let Marcus know what she will do if he decides either to talk or not to talk. For example, she might say, (1) “If you decide to tell me what is going on, I would really like to talk to you about it. (2) If you don’t want to talk, then I’m going to go work in yard so I don’t get tempted to try to drag it out of you.” The Outcome: We simply gather information, give information, and provide security by letting person know how we are going to respond to certain choices he or she might make. Never do we try to control other person’s responses. Even if other person stays defensive, we can be more peaceful and we can communicate with integrity and clarity. We can set boundaries that keep us out of power struggle and strengthen our own self-esteem. The miracle is how often other person will drop her or his defenses and open up. After a decade of fighting when Marcus withdrew in silence, Sally’s single question dissolved his defenses and he was able to tell her about war going on inside of him that kept him from talking when he was upset. This article is based on book Taking War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant. Please visit http://www.pndc.com
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