Imagine play-by-play if hunting truly was a sport: "Man is closing in. He's coming up from behind and rounding to south side. He's raising his rifle. Deer doesn't even appear to notice. Oh, I can't watch. This is going to be a massacre. Wait! Deer has just bucked up and twisted. He spins around a tree, and -- look! Deer has a rifle too. He aims. He shoots! He Kills!!! Man is down. What an upset, ladies and gentlemen."

In real life, Deer doesn't win very often. In fact, I estimate that Man is about 4.3 gazillion times more likely to be defeated by his own team mate than by opposition. We call this "friendly fire".

Contrast this to Itchy Trading Finger, who stands an equal chance of striking gold or of moving into a cardboard box on street corner. The stock market truly is sport, for those who choose to treat it that way. Which is why it is so important to put aside -- in safe, secure investments -- money you feel you need for your future. That way, when Itchy Trading Fingers retire, they can move out of cardboard box.

For rest of us, we are happier getting our sport watching monster trucks crush WWF actors. Oops! There I go again, mixing my sports and my metaphors, not to mention ignoring several federal safety standards. May your investments be safer than my WWF friends, and may you sleep well at night.

4. Smile at your neighbor. A smile lifts everybody's spirits, but most of all your own.

5. Remember Great Depression. It sucked, but people survived. It's amazing how many non-essentials we take for granted. Rent a movie about 1930s, sit back, and laugh about how much better our depression is going to be.

6. Learn a new skill. In hard times, it pays to be very, very employable. And you may even be lucky enough to have two jobs. Oh, wait. That's our problem now.

7. Start saving now. Then when bottom falls out, at least you'll have something to live on for three-and-a-half weeks.

8. Start spending now. It's folks like you, saving all your money instead of spending it, that are killing economy.

9. Stop listening to people telling you to save or to spend. In fact, stop listening to news about markets. It's just too depressing.

10. Ignore top ten lists. They are way too gimmicky and seldom give any truly useful information (except for this one, of course!)

There you have it. The Happy Guy's Top Ten Tips for Staying Sane While Wall Street Crashes Around You. All advice your mother didn't tell you about financial markets, and more importantly, about keeping happy while others suffer. The bottom line is don't panic, don't invest all your emotions where your money is invested, and focus on what really matters.