Written by Beatrice Blitterless & Earl Craboon

Continued from page 1

14. "Frisbee Golf Tournament Day" (if boomerang won’t come back, you don’t know how to surf, and you’re tired of whacking a little white ball around 18 freaking tiny holes inrepparttar ground…why not take up a low-impact sport that doesn’t require a helmet, shoulder pads or a big bag account)

15. "House of Cards Recognition Day" (time to build a house of cards; then huff, puff and blowrepparttar 136213 bleeping thing down like Billy Goat Gruff…oh lighten up will you!)

16. "Bounce Something on Your Knee Day" (a great way to keep any screaming banshee, hollering thing, or pesky pet quiet…before you wring its neck!)

17. "Unplug It Day" (what a wonderful opportunity to rid yourself of wicked wireless devices and wretched wired weasels for at leastrepparttar 136214 next 24 hours)

18. "Glove Compartment, Jump Seat & Bonnet Appreciation Day" (well it's about time to show off your racy vocabulary…but beware of all those baby-boomer bump n’ grinders onrepparttar 136215 highway of life)

19. "Chewing Gum Awareness Day" (time to test out all those fruity flavors and then leave a nice wad behind on a freshly-painted park bench, a clean floor, or on a bedpost overnight)

20. "Polka Dot Bikini & Brief Appreciation Day" (for those who need an excuse to play that old “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot” tune naturally)

21. "Stilts & Pogo Jumping Day" (for anyone who can't walk on water but needs something a tad extreme to impress their wimpy relatives, boring friends or last but not least...a sees-all-knows-all boss)

22. "Gemini Recognition Day" (ever wondered who adoresrepparttar 136216 color orange, hates being confided to bed, and hankers for a game of darts, snooker, or table tennis at midnight?)

23. "Cow Pie Appreciation Day" (okay, so you’re lactose intolerant and your hay fever allergy makes you grumpy…butrepparttar 136217 least you can do is quit complaining and moo right along with a whole bunch of other color-coordinated cows doing what comes naturally inrepparttar 136218 annual Island Farms “Victoria Day” parade)

24. "National Ninnyhammer Day" (time to honor allrepparttar 136219 Naysayers, Nimrods, and Nit-Pickers in your circle of fly-by-night friends and fickle family members)

25. "Silly Putty Appreciation Day" (you may not be able to color betweenrepparttar 136220 lines, but manipulating Silly Putty …well that takes skill, experience, and a diploma in really, really dumb stuff … good news …you’re overqualified on all counts)

26. "Bubble Blowing Challenge" (and you thought this was a contest for adults with short-attention spans, a large lung capacity, and an abiding interest in detergents)

27. "Smack Your Lips Day" (a great opportunity for those without pucker power to avoid whistling while they work or else winningrepparttar 136221 affection of lost pets)

28. "Flashlight Tag Day" (for all those A-type personalities who need to overcome their fear ofrepparttar 136222 dark, creepy glow-worms, or extraterrestrials out for an evening stroll)

29. “Groovy Dance Day" (time to teach someone you know with two large left feet how to dorepparttar 136223 “frug”,repparttar 136224 “shimmy”,repparttar 136225 “monkey”,repparttar 136226 “swim”,repparttar 136227 “loco-motion”,repparttar 136228 “bus stop” and of courserepparttar 136229 ever-popular but classic “fox trot”)

30. "Paint-By-Numbers Day" (so you aren’t Rembrandt but if you can read, count and aren’t color-blind, you’ll find this more entertaining than feeding pigeons)

31. "Pied Piper & Pig-In-A-Poke Recognition Day" (time to nominate anyone you know who truly deservesrepparttar 136230 prestigious “Pinhead ofrepparttar 136231 Year Award”)

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of "The Quipping Queen" at

Package Baggage

Written by Perry Estelle

Continued from page 1

Going on picnics withoutrepparttar scissors for instance. Ifrepparttar 136033 scissors were forgotten everybody would starve or die of thirst. It would be like survivingrepparttar 136034 Holocaust without a can opener.

Why do you seem to need scissors for every task to remove packaging?

Dribbly giblets from inside a chicken have to be cut away from their plastic bubble. What did we use before to sever umbilical cords? Why do paramedics have to cut away a perfectly good pair of jeans just because you leg is caught in a haybaler?

I remember on one occasion my Mother cutting my hair with pinking shears and I went to schoolrepparttar 136035 next day with a Barnet looking like an upside down bun case. I thought they were for 'running up' curtains with? There again you should not run anywhere with a pair of scissors in your hand.

Samson fromrepparttar 136036 Bible had his hair cut off by Delilah as he slept. This was to sap his strength. It was believed as Hebrew custom then, as it is today, that masculinity was all in a man's long hair. Men of all creeds wear long hair at times. Today they are called tw*ts.

A women's hair is supposed to be her 'crowning glory'. This has changed and become her handbag and accessories. Who doesn't want a shock of long hair plunged into your chest at intervals? If your woman does not have long hair, hold onto her ears.

We take scissors for granted.

'Edward Scissorhands' didn't, but he could hardly pointrepparttar 136037 finger. There was one guy who could never scratch his balls without becoming a human shish kebab.

Dishwasher or soap tablets that won't prise from their wrappings.

Endless crap car accessories or kids toys that fill you with trepidation before you snap it fromrepparttar 136038 carcass only to findrepparttar 136039 most vital component falls in half when it makes a bid for its freedom. You can't buy a carrier bag without advertising something on it. Maybe we could have a dating service on them next. Have a different lonely heart on each side ofrepparttar 136040 bag along with a contact number.

Like those scandalous bookclubs … that send you every book you didn't want and call itrepparttar 136041 'Editor's choice' and charge you fourfold 'Amazon' prices onrepparttar 136042 fifty books you have apparently pledged to buy within three weeks. Editor's choice? If I meet him I will give him my 'readers choice' that of 'War and Peace' up his cable layer, sideways, to effectrepparttar 136043 most injury. Yes, still in its packaging!

God blessrepparttar 136044 little cream pots at motorway 'Welcome breaks' airports, or those found at cheap hotels that guarantee to be a hit with folk. A direct hit that is! From forty paces and causing your entire family to duck down underrepparttar 136045 table in case they see that it was you without any fingernails.

It is with rich fondness I reminisce about having all my produce put in a 'twisted atrepparttar 136046 corners' brown paper bag of just one size. All in a string handled brown paper holdall. Chips in newspaper that somehow made them taste better than they do today. Real cutlery instead of plastic forks wrapped with a serviette in cellophane too, that so often lose a prong inside your cheeseburger and cause a three hour wait in accident and emergency.

This brings me to crisps… Once again there is enough room in each seal fresh pack to hold a moonie convention and yet only one sixth of a potato as facts bear out resides inside. One packet is never enough, so they sell you whole selection packs for you to munch through guiltily. Whatever happened to those giant family packs of 'Golden Wonder' crisps? Just one big f*ck-off packet with crisps loose inside. They wererepparttar 136047 best thing to come out ofrepparttar 136048 sixties and seventies. Just heaps of crisps to share amongst bus queues. You couldn't eat them all even if you ate nothing else for a week. They welded together after a while and would bend in half like putty. No 'sell-by' dates in those days. No 'best befores'. You only got rid when they reproduced of their own accord. You could almost fold them like underwear atrepparttar 136049 point of optimum staleness. You had to roll your sleeves up to reach allrepparttar 136050 'smushed' ones atrepparttar 136051 bottom ofrepparttar 136052 bag. Once eatenrepparttar 136053 giant thick foil bag was great to 'chuck up into' as you were sure to be blowing chunks forrepparttar 136054 rest ofrepparttar 136055 day.

'Ringpulls' becamerepparttar 136056 familiar 'shoosh' to be heard until present time. Soon small catapults could be made from them by pingingrepparttar 136057 tab of aluminium inrepparttar 136058 crook ofrepparttar 136059 ring. Now, packagers have even put a stop to that and smoothedrepparttar 136060 ring pull mechanism. That has stoppedrepparttar 136061 fizz fun for many!

Now we have 'Widgets'… that take up a whole mouthful of beer space inrepparttar 136062 can and then will fillrepparttar 136063 rest ofrepparttar 136064 beer with air so you can stay sober but end up with reflux. If either too warm or too cold will depend on how much beer you want to end up overrepparttar 136065 cat and downrepparttar 136066 back ofrepparttar 136067 telly.

Packaging is a crazy waste of resources and raw materials. It is misleading. It is unwieldy. Most of all it causes litter louts and pollution. There are so many preservatives in food nowadays so who needs it?

This is true…. My father was known to be a real re-cycler. Others called him a tightwad! Either way, he saved all polystyrene and packedrepparttar 136068 loft with it. Feet thick. Our house was a potential tinderbox but Father always said that "keeping bills down and keeping warm" were more important thanrepparttar 136069 possible future invention of smoke alarms. In 1973 we had more firemen because there were less hoax-callers then. They didn't need risk assessments. They just had to be good at getting cats out of trees or your toes out ofrepparttar 136070 tap. Firemen today are so afraid of health and safety they will fit smoke alarms in your house for free just in case you haverepparttar 136071 urge to sue them for dying of third degree burns or having to cutrepparttar 136072 top of your car roof off when you slip your disc during sex.

Father even coveredrepparttar 136073 ceilings of our home with those polystyrene tiles. He chainsmoked too, so miraculously I did not become 'toast' at any stage and am here to tell this tale as a result. I escaped any inferno of gargantuan proportions to mar my childhood that hypothetically, quite likely, would have been seen from one ofrepparttar 136074 Apollo missions and lit up East Anglia like a solar flare.

Alternatives? Easy! Make all packaging edible. Then watch how marketeers become more frugal with it! You are not going to sell as many Big Macs ifrepparttar 136075 customer is full withrepparttar 136076 Fries carton are you?

Anyway, my Mother was wrong when she said everything good comes in brown paper packages. I once put dog-shit in a brown paper bag and placed it on a neighbours doorstep. I would then take some matches and set light to it and play 'Knock down Ginger' by pressingrepparttar 136077 doorbell. Retreating to my hiding place I would watch with delight asrepparttar 136078 householder would come torepparttar 136079 door and try to putrepparttar 136080 incendiary out and only discoverrepparttar 136081 sticky hitchhiker when it was all too late.

We made our own fun in those days. Practical jokes meant something torepparttar 136082 victims back then.

Perry Estelle. Satirist, cartoonist and fiction writer. If you need original and sizzling satire on tap I am your man. Please contact me if you don’t mind my overconfidence and want a weird regular feature!

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