Written by B. Blitterlees & E. Craboon

Continued from page 1

11. BAUBLES, BANGLES & BEADS DAY (impress your boss with trashy trinkets, garish gew-gaws, knock'em-dead knickknacks or perhaps a few paddywhacks)

12. NATIONAL CLOCK-WATCHING DAY (in honor of all pathetic procrastinators and ludricrously late-bloomers)

13. "GOTCHA" DAY (better get outrepparttar old whooppee cushion and chocolate-covered ants)

14. NATIONAL WORRYWART DAY (brush up on your favorite sky-is-falling stories)

15. GADFLY(homo botflyillucus)CONSERVATION DAY (try cross-pollinating...with a saucy social butterfly...silly)

16. THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN INVENTED DAY in recognition of strange gizmos or unusual gadgets you'd never be caught dead buying or using)

17. EDIBLE GREEN STUFF DAY(learn to love or at least play quietly with your Brussels sprouts, cabbage or celery)

18. SLOW NEWS DAY(in honor of far-flung factoids, sanctimonious slide shows, and pithyless PowerPoint presentations that put most people to sleep)

19. NATIONAL BAD HAIR & HABERDASHERY DAY (dedicated to folks whose favorite coiffure is a ball-cap worn backwards)

20. NATIONAL LEMING AWARENESS DAY(celebratingrepparttar 118107 value of cliff-hangers and pro-active followship)

21. NAUGHTY POETRY DAY (honoring wicked haikus, salacious puns and daring double-entendres)

22. JUNGLE MOUTH ELIMINATION DAY(so what's your favorite mouthwash or toothpaste flavor?)

23. TICKLE A FRIEND DAY(based on gender-neutral, permission-based solictations only)

24. GOOP & GUNK DAY(time for a bit of patty-cake making or harmless mudslinging)

25. HAGGIS & HIGHLAND FLING APPRECIATION DAY (A celebration of strange Scottish customs kept firmly under wraps unless your name is Robbie Burns)

26. SLIDE RULE REMEMBRANCE DAY(if you don't know, ask an engineer how to use one)

27. SHAGGY DOG STORY DAY(honors any anecdote or joke that lasts more than 5 minutes)

28. GO FLY A KITE DAY (the only way to send your favorite Nemesis up, up, and away!)

29. NATIONAL WET NOODLE DAY (for those who know how to 'boil water' but can't cook with a wok naturally)

30. MERRY VOICE-MAIL GREETINGS DAY (time to create a humorous voice mail message to amaze your family, friends, or work mates)

31. NATIONAL CROSS-DRESSING DAY (what a way to empty your chameleon clothes' closet!)

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (referred to in polite circles as the Duchess of Dither) and Lord Earl Craboon (better known as the Duke of Doorknobs) are a devoted duo in the Ripsnorting Royal Court of The Quipping Queen (


Written by Rev. James L. Snyder

Continued from page 1

Fortunately, I controlledrepparttar remote control inrepparttar 118106 beginning. The cunningness of my wife soon came torepparttar 118107 forefront. I had no idea that she,repparttar 118108 mother of my children, would play dirty. At times, I regret being such a gentleman. Let me show you what I mean.

I hadrepparttar 118109 remote control for about 20 minutes when my wife said, "Honey, I left a book inrepparttar 118110 car. Would you be a Dear, and go torepparttar 118111 car and get it for me?"

Without pausing to think, something quite common for me, I laid downrepparttar 118112 remote control and headed forrepparttar 118113 door. Quick as a flash I retrievedrepparttar 118114 book fromrepparttar 118115 car. When I get back torepparttar 118116 room my wife was sitting onrepparttar 118117 bed, with pillows behind her andrepparttar 118118 remote control in her hand.

But more than that, a grin was smeared all over her face.

I had been snuckered. And this would not berepparttar 118119 last time.

That was Monday. On Tuesday, I finally regained control ofrepparttar 118120 remote control and was right inrepparttar 118121 middle of an old Western movie when my Beloved made her next move.

"Honey, I'm so thirsty, would you go and get me a soda fromrepparttar 118122 machine down front?"

Again, without thinking, I rose torepparttar 118123 occasion and bolted forrepparttar 118124 door on what I thought was an errand of mercy. When I returned withrepparttar 118125 ice-cold soda, there my Beloved was, sitting onrepparttar 118126 bed, with pillows behind her andrepparttar 118127 remote control in her hand.

By Thursday, I was catching up. Early inrepparttar 118128 morning, I possessedrepparttar 118129 remote. I think my mistake on Thursday was feeling a little too confident in myself. Around 4 o'clock inrepparttar 118130 afternoon my wife looked at me and said, "You really need to take a shower."

The tiny gray cells were not vibrating, and I immediately headed forrepparttar 118131 bathroom and took a shower. On coming out ofrepparttar 118132 bathroom, I was greeted with her sitting onrepparttar 118133 bed, with pillows behind her andrepparttar 118134 remote control in her hand.

Again, that familiar smirk was smeared all over her face.

I must confess, and it's hard for me to do it, but my wife is a better loafer than I am. It looks like in 2005, control will be a remote possibility for me.

The key to a solid marriage relationship, however, is not control but consent to mutual respect. "Submitting yourselves one to another inrepparttar 118135 fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21 KJV.)

Rev. James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living in Ocala, FL with his wife Martha.

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