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Special Situations:
An Impulsive or Inflexible Child Some children have specific problems, like being impulsive or inflexible. This may require you to intervene more often. Still whenever possible it is better to let
children resolve their conflicts themselves. In most cases, when you make your children responsible for solving their own problems, they will be very quick to work out a solution.
Teenagers The teen years are a special topic by itself and clearly not enough has been written on it. However, I am going to address only a few points here.
When Your Teen Fights with Your Seven Year Old
There are two very common reasons an older child will fight with a much younger child. The first is he feels younger child is an imposition. We as parents use our older children to help us with younger ones. This is good for both children. Yet at times older child can feel that he is being forced into a parental role that he is not quite ready to fill. When this happens child will begin to resent burden of younger sibling and this will result in fighting. A second common cause is that teens are very possessive of what is theirs. Your average six year old may not understand this. He might take be used to playing with his nine year old brothers things, but when he takes same liberties with what he finds on his teenage sister’s shelf get quite a different response. Teens have a need for privacy and boundaries around what is their own. This need is normal and is part of developmental stage that they are in. When a younger child transgresses those boundaries fights will ensue.
Treating Your Children Equitably As I mentioned earlier, one of things that sibling rivalry teaches is that things in life are not always fair. We have to keep this in mind when relating to our children.
Do Not Get Hung Up on Making Things Fair Life is not fair. You probably know this by now. Your children need to learn this, too. This does not mean you want to intentionally discriminate between your children. However, you should not knock yourself out trying to treat each child equally, for two reasons: 1- Your children will not learn important lesson that life is not always fair. 2- You are doomed to fail. All you will accomplish is to frustrate yourself. You can’t make things fair. Nor can you give to each child equally. Your relationship with each child is unique. This does not mean that you don’t love your children, but each one has a special type of relationship with you that is uniquely his. You should make an effort to be sure that discrepancies are not extreme. You should be sure to give to each child what he or she needs. However, you are not being a bad parent by not treating to each of your children equally. That is life. When You Can’t Minimize Differences Not all children are equally easy to raise. Some children need a disproportionate amount of your time and attention and resources. This is a reality. You will not be able to spread yourself out evenly. There is nothing you can do about this. If you have a child that needs an exorbitant amount of attention, for example if child is chronically ill, then you should discuss this with other children. Explain to them that their brother or sister is ill and needs a lot of attention right now. You might even try to get them involved in helping sick child.
Conclusion Sibling rivalry is one of least discussed topics in child raising. Yet sibling rivalry is part of every family when there is more than one child. Not only that, but also sibling rivalry plays an important part in molding each child. How a person acts as an adult is in a large part a result of his relationships with his siblings.
Your job as a parent is to educate your child to be able to function as an adult. You should use how your children relate to each other as a tool so that they can learn to relate to others in future.
Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances
