The Golf Warehouse: I golf. My wife doesn't. Not a good idea if for some reason I ever decide to have another child. Although, it would give me an opportunity to try out all golf innuendo jokes wasted on my golfing buddies. "Honey, check out my new wood with stiff shaft." Or, how about, "Just make a smooth stroke."

NFL Shop: Unfortunately, thought of me in a Patriots game jersey - and nothing else - sickens even me.

Human Sex Pheromone: The subject line for this email was, "Don't Be Alone for Valentine's Day," which seems to be a very popular theme for Internet. And with this Human Sex Pheromone, I can drive my wife wild! After 13 years of marriage, I'm not worried about driving my wife wild. I'm worried about pissing her off. And, with my luck, they'd substitute human sex hormone for Sasquatch sex hormone.

Which brings me to . . .

Valentines day sale: V,iagra-Diet-more: "Make this years valentines day special," is text in email (the punctuation mistakes are theirs, not mine). According to these fine folks, for Valentine's Day I can "lose weight, quit smoking, and enhance sex." Further, they offer "Great prices on V/i/a/g/r/a," as well as "Pain medications Skin Herpes- Hair" (again, their spelling and punctuation). Now we're talking!

I guess I'm going to have to go back to drawing board in search for perfect Valentine's Day gift. And you know what? My wife is worth it. She puts up with me on a daily basis, and has even gone through pains of childbirth twice. So I guess I'll have to expand my Valentine search beyond confines of my email inbox.

I guess I'll have to search Internet now. Do you think my wife would like one of those Mini-RC racecars or Perfect Pasta Pot?

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The next 15 minutes involved both of them trying to make their cases to me while attempting to harass or cajole other to their side. I finally put an end to it by switching to ESPN. Instantly, they were comrades in arms, and presented a united front in their TV viewing preference.

I went upstairs to see if wife was feeling any better (in hopes that she would come downstairs and relieve me of my parenting misery). She was still sleeping, but I'm pretty sure she could hear my footsteps and closed her eyes as I approached. Note to self - get some slippers with a soft sole.

Having "made" breakfast, I decided to save myself a little work and hit drive-thru at McDonald's. Even a decision as simple as taking easy way out and feeding my kids fat-laden fast food is an exercise in humility.

You can't just order a regular meal with my kids. My daughter won't eat cheese and doesn't like onions on her burger. My son won't eat anything but cheese and bread, so I have to order a cheeseburger without meat, onions, ketchup, mustard, or pickles. Just cheese and a bun. And God forbid if you forget to ask for a girl's toy for her and a boy's toy for him.

I don't know how my wife does it. I couldn't even relax after lunch because kids had other plans. They wanted to play games. We decided to play Funny Bunny. This game makes Chutes and Ladders seem like chess, involving no skill whatsoever. I still couldn't win.

Having exhausted my supply of stupid game patience, I went and checked on wife. She was starting to feel a little bit better, so she asked me to bring her some more tea and to prop up her pillows so she could watch some Lifetime chick-flick movie.

I think I'll use her toothbrush tonight to see if I can catch her cold. Seems like a pretty good gig. At least it's a heck of a lot easier than parenting.

(c)2003 Chuck Smith. All rights reserved.