How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Spam!

Written by Chuck Smith

Continued from page 1

The Golf Warehouse: I golf. My wife doesn't. Not a good idea if for some reason I ever decide to have another child. Although, it would give me an opportunity to try out allrepparttar golf innuendo jokes wasted on my golfing buddies. "Honey, check out my new wood withrepparttar 118276 stiff shaft." Or, how about, "Just make a smooth stroke."

NFL Shop: Unfortunately,repparttar 118277 thought of me in a Patriots game jersey - and nothing else - sickens even me.

Human Sex Pheromone: The subject line for this email was, "Don't Be Alone for Valentine's Day," which seems to be a very popular theme forrepparttar 118278 Internet. And with this Human Sex Pheromone, I can drive my wife wild! After 13 years of marriage, I'm not worried about driving my wife wild. I'm worried about pissing her off. And, with my luck, they'd substituterepparttar 118279 human sex hormone forrepparttar 118280 Sasquatch sex hormone.

Which brings me to . . .

Valentines day sale: V,iagra-Diet-more: "Make this years valentines day special," isrepparttar 118281 text inrepparttar 118282 email (the punctuation mistakes are theirs, not mine). According to these fine folks, for Valentine's Day I can "lose weight, quit smoking, and enhance sex." Further, they offer "Great prices on V/i/a/g/r/a," as well as "Pain medications Skin Herpes- Hair" (again, their spelling and punctuation). Now we're talking!

I guess I'm going to have to go back torepparttar 118283 drawing board inrepparttar 118284 search forrepparttar 118285 perfect Valentine's Day gift. And you know what? My wife is worth it. She puts up with me on a daily basis, and has even gone throughrepparttar 118286 pains of childbirth twice. So I guess I'll have to expand my Valentine search beyondrepparttar 118287 confines of my email inbox.

I guess I'll have to searchrepparttar 118288 Internet now. Do you think my wife would like one of those Mini-RC racecars orrepparttar 118289 Perfect Pasta Pot?

================================================================== About the Author:

Chuck Smith is the brain from which Chuck Smith's Brain Sediment falls. Chuck has led a sheltered life in high tech, and is not often let out of his wife's sight. Visit his site to subscribe to the twice monthly Chuck Smith's Brain Sediment ezine.

I Want a Cold!

Written by Chuck Smith

Continued from page 1

The next 15 minutes involved both of them trying to make their cases to me while attempting to harass or cajolerepparttar other to their side. I finally put an end to it by switching to ESPN. Instantly, they were comrades in arms, and presented a united front in their TV viewing preference.

I went upstairs to see ifrepparttar 118275 wife was feeling any better (in hopes that she would come downstairs and relieve me of my parenting misery). She was still sleeping, but I'm pretty sure she could hear my footsteps and closed her eyes as I approached. Note to self - get some slippers with a soft sole.

Having "made" breakfast, I decided to save myself a little work and hitrepparttar 118276 drive-thru at McDonald's. Even a decision as simple as taking repparttar 118277 easy way out and feeding my kids fat-laden fast food is an exercise in humility.

You can't just order a regular meal with my kids. My daughter won't eat cheese and doesn't like onions on her burger. My son won't eat anything but cheese and bread, so I have to order a cheeseburger withoutrepparttar 118278 meat, onions, ketchup, mustard, or pickles. Just cheese and a bun. And God forbid if you forget to ask for a girl's toy for her and a boy's toy for him.

I don't know how my wife does it. I couldn't even relax after lunch becauserepparttar 118279 kids had other plans. They wanted to play games. We decided to play Funny Bunny. This game makes Chutes and Ladders seem like chess, involving no skill whatsoever. I still couldn't win.

Having exhausted my supply of stupid game patience, I went and checked onrepparttar 118280 wife. She was starting to feel a little bit better, so she asked me to bring her some more tea and to prop up her pillows so she could watch some Lifetime chick-flick movie.

I think I'll use her toothbrush tonight to see if I can catch her cold. Seems like a pretty good gig. At least it's a heck of a lot easier than parenting.

(c)2003 Chuck Smith. All rights reserved.

Chuck Smith's Brain Sediment is designed for nothing more noble than to make you smile. Chuck is, for the most part, a happily married man who is doing his best to raise a couple of rambunctious children while working in high tech. Chuck can be reached at, and you can see past Brain Sediment columns at

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