That's science for you, I guess.

My next experiment involved one of popular nineteenth century style ladies fans. Always striving after authenticity (or authentishitty?) in all things, I cautiously approached local amateur dramatics society which was happy to supply a victim. Sorry, that should be "volunteer". For health and hygiene reasons volunteer wore a full face motorcycle helmet and bikers leathers. The fan she held was twenty centimetres in height and described an arc of sixty degrees when fully opened. It was held at an angle of ninety degrees to ground and with volunteer peeping demurely over top just to make things more realistic.

For this experiment I had conscientiously prepared five "missiles" in comfort of my own home previous evening. The first one was launched from twenty feet away. The results were better than I could ever have anticipated. The fan went flying , motorcycle helmet's visor crack'd from side to side and volunteer was left sprawled in a heap on stage.

After beating a hasty retreat I concluded that missiles had probably been baked for too long (one can never be too sure when using electric ovens) thus resulting in devastating ballistic qualities. Although my theatre season ticket has now been revoked I am hoping for a reply from NATO with a view to providing member countries with a regular supply of "missiles" in event of future global conflicts.

I finally turned my attention to conducting tests with sports fans. Football fans might prove to be too much of a challenge, I decided. Dealing with irate office staff or theatre luvvies is one thing (actually it's two aren't they???) but being surrounded by lagered up soccer supporters could be a little less pleasant. Besides, if I timed it right I reckoned I could get a trip to Caribbean out of it. So, cricket fans it would be . . .

Footnote: The experiment went as well as could be expected, bearing in mind how well all previous ones had gone. I am writing this from a hospital bed in what local police have advised me must remain an undisclosed location in West Indies. I hope to be sufficiently recovered to be able to return home in a few weeks time. As for results of my third and final experiment . . .

The missiles had to be fired very discreetly in order to avoid any repeat of previous problems. So I launched them from my seat in cricket ground and watched to see what would happen. The batsman hit first one and immediately on impact it disintegrated into mere dust. I suppose he must have thought he had hit a six because he started to run for opposite wicket. However, this was when other team's fast bowler was just coming out. He seized his chance with both hands and promptly bowled errant batsman out. The crowd went wild. . .

And as it turns out, turds ain't half as hard as cricket bats!!!

* Please note: this is not an officially recognised SI unit.

27. When your boss asks you what you would like for secretaries’ day, first of all, reply that you are not a secretary. Request that he answers phone on that day as well as having all of your whims fulfilled that are of inconceivable proportions.

28. Using desktop publishing, relabel a can of bug spray as vanilla air freshener and place in men’s bathroom.

29. Call in sick and leave a message on company’s voice mail. State that you are ill due to overwhelming imbalance of wealth and power within company’s structure and your illness should subside once you are paid what you are worth.

30. When your boss asks for a donation to his son’s little league fund, ask what minimum amount is that you can donate in order to keep your job.

31. When your boss invites you to company Christmas party, matter-of-factly state that you’d prefer to spend it with rabid dogs and wild monkeys, but proclaim your sincere thanks just same.

32. Stockpile in your office your manager’s favorite type of pen so that he is constantly bewildered as to where they are disappearing and continues to order new boxes of pens repeatedly.

33. During your yearly review, exclaim that you would just like to discuss your raise and not your manager’s suggestions or comments. Also, add that you do have a list of improvements for him that you’d like to share.

34. Find boss’s buttons and push them. If it is his weight, ask if he has gained weight or do those clothes just make him look fat?

35. Announce at next company birthday (cake eating in lunchroom) that boss is giving everyone a 10% raise. When your manager pulls you into his office to discuss this, say that he sure is losing his sense of humor in his old age.

36. Stack all incoming unwanted sales related faxes and printed e-mails on your manager’s desk and connect all sales related calls to him, especially stock brokers. When your manager comments that he would like you to screen all sales related material and calls, comment that you thought he was open to new ideas and new people and didn’t realize he was so introverted.

37. After next company announcement of a marriage or pregnancy, proclaim that you are getting married and having a child, but not necessarily in that order.

38. When company phone bill gets passed around asking you to highlight your personal calls, always state that you would never do that and never highlight anything. Say your family and friends all reside in Tasmania.

39. As soon as your boss returns from a vacation, ask where he went and always state that you vacationed there a few years ago and how fantastic it was.

40. Five minutes into weekly company meeting, excuse yourself to go to restroom and return twenty minutes later when it is wrapping up.

41. When boss is out of town, forward phones to your house and take a nap. Run back to office if something needs to be done.

42. Position a cup of coffee on your manager’s desk so that when he sits down, you can pretend to fumble for papers on his desk and easily knock it onto his lap. State that you hope it isn’t hot and that no third degree burns are inflicted.

43. If you are single, place your grandmother’s antique diamond ring on your married finger on left hand. When boss asks you if anything new has happened to you recently after he clearly notices your ring, state nonchalantly “no, not really.” If you are married, remove your wedding ring and state same answer when asked same question.

44. On casual dress day, wear a bathing suit top and shortest shorts that you own. When you are called into your boss’s office to discuss this, ask for a list that defines parameters of casual dress day code.

45. Circulate an anonymous memo that this coming Friday is fetish day so dress appropriately. Add that a $100 prize will be awarded to freakiest costume.

46. After your boss gives you an overwhelmingly long list of items for you to complete, ask if he’d like for you to wipe his ass as well.

47. Take items out of your manager’s sack lunch. When he comments on this phenomenon, reply that society is degenerating at an unbelievable rate.

48. When you manager asks you how your day is going, be honest. Say, well, if people that worked for this company weren’t so dysfunctional and psychotic, it might be a marginally average place of employment.

49. When your boss says “good morning”, quickly reply, “Oh is it?”

50. Once a week, send an anonymous email to your boss that is spiteful in nature. To kick it off, first one should simply read, “you are pond scum.”