Things you should not say.

It was probably for best. At least it happened early in pregnancy before you really got attached. It was God’s will I understand how you feel. Even if you have had more than one miscarriage, you may not know how she is feeling. It was only one miscarriage. I know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and she has children now. It was nature’s way of getting rid of defective chromosomes. At least you have one child I don’t understand why you are so upset. Maybe you should consider adoption, not having children. Don’t not talk about it. Don’t avoid her. Don’t try to cheer her up. She probably doesn’t want to be cheered up and by doing this you are not acknowledging her pain.

“Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger?”

These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict will always exacerbate conflict and make us feel badly within. The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain. None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling ways.

“In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself - to my own feelings?”

Often we project onto our partner inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with ourselves and with our partner.

“Do I need to take specific action, such as changing way we handle money, or way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of conflicts so that I don’t feel like a victim?”

Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with situation.

“Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control?

Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you open to learning yourself, you might discover power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior and into taking loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at changes that occur in relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop your end of power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your partner, possibility opens for great change to occur.