Thomas also wanted control over his own feelings, and would often judge himself as harshly as he judged others in an effort to get himself to perform well and feel okay. He especially judged himself harshly when he felt rejected by others, frequently telling himself that he was an inadequate jerk.

As we worked together, Thomas began to see that happiness is result of choosing to be a kind, caring, compassionate and gentle person with himself and others – quite opposite of judgmental, controlling person he had chosen to be. Thomas learned that happiness is natural result of being present in each moment with love and kindness toward himself and others, rather than with being attached to outcome of things and trying to control outcome regarding events and others’ behavior. He discovered that he felt deep joy whenever he let go of control and chose caring instead. The anxiety in his stomach went away whenever his intention was to be a kind and caring person rather than a controlling one.

It is not easy to shift out of deep devotion to control and become devoted to love and compassion toward oneself and others. Our ego wounded self has been practicing control since we were very little. Yet moment our intent is to control, our heart closes and we feel alone and anxious inside. Our intent to seek safety and pleasure through controlling others, outcomes, and our own feelings leads to an inner feeling of abandonment and emptiness. We abandon ourselves when we are trying to control our feelings rather than be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Our anxiety and feelings of emptiness lead to more seeking outside ourselves to fill up with pleasurable experiences. The momentary pleasure leads to addictive behavior.

When intent shifts out of controlling and not being controlled to becoming loving to ourselves and others, heart opens and joy is result. Deep and abiding happiness and joy are natural result of operating out of spiritual values of caring, compassion and kindness.

Wonder what another journaler’s stream of consciousness writing looks like? This is a sample from a writer dealing with guilt over infidelity in a relationship:

broccoli, sting beans, rage, rivers, rockets, take me to end of world and drop me off edge, oh columbus of mine with blueberries in your hair and apples in your eyes. cheeks of rosy red i am iam iamiamiam. skyrockets, fuses, short fuses burning til they can’t be stopped, racing madly through space trying to catch up with yourself. get off damned train. ribbons wrapped throughout my white matter, red, blue, green and yellow, trailing sadness and madness and getevenness. hearts a breakin, heads a breaking, hearts open and arrows leaking bloody mass you are. orange is color of my true love’s courage, black is color of my loyalty and fidelity. pull arrows out without leaving a scar, can you? bears watch over us as we sail through dragon-filled deserts, pyramids of shimmering green and gold and malachite, crystal balls guard entry.

Although this may sound like gibberish to you, to journaler, it contained several clues about depth of her guilt, as well as insight into what brought about infidelity. Like dreams, symbols in a stream of consciousness journal session, are often best interpreted by dreamer himself.

If you’ve never done stream of consciousness journaling, don’t be afraid to experiment with different approaches. For example, pick a topic--any topic--and writing everything you can think about it. Like fishing, or bicycles, or cats, or fans, or canyons. Frequently, when writing about a seemingly “random” topic, insight -- those ah-ha moments—will appear that actually solve a problem you weren’t even thinking about.