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6. Employees shall refrain from using paper shredders to make aluminum foil tinsel decorations as this has been found to create an unsightly mess, unnecessary downtime on office equipment, not to mention major power outages preventing convening of gift-exchange gatherings.
7. Employees shall refrain from toasting marshmallows on radiators, AC power adaptors, or in blast furnaces during break periods as these puckish practices have been found to encourage unsafe food preparation practices, contribute to poor eating habits and, and cause stomach cancer in brownies and boy scouts.
8. Employees shall refrain from composing popular Yuletide tunes using touch-tone phones, downloading “The Chipmunk Song” as default ring tone on cellular telephones or email audio notification on laptop computers as such lollygagging practices been found to cause unmitigated stress and partial hearing loss in lab rats, floor personnel, and middle managers alike.
9. Santa's Helper togs will be permitted on Casual Fridays provided they comply with "Corporate colors and dress code policy". (Note: No spandex shorts, body stockings or birthday suits will be allowed as these have been shown to contribute to embarrassing little workplace accidents at this time of year).
10. All employees shall refrain from requesting that egg nog be placed in vending machines and shall likewise refrain from uttering anti-social secular greetings or gladless tidings of good cheer such as, "Bah Humbug", "The Grinch will get you!" or "Santa Sucks", all of which have been found to contribute to an unhealthy diet, loss of team spirit, and result in an altogether unproductive and negative-thinking workplace environment.
Last but not least, there’s no need to drop banana peels, candy wrappers or priortized list of presents in Company Suggestion Box – thanks to SCROOGES (our Security Camera Records & Online Gathering Evidence System), Santa knows who's been naughty and nice his year.
HO HO HO AND HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY From Santa's Saucy Sylphs in HR Department!!!
By Theolonius McTavish, a creative corporate memorandum writer and casual notice-board reader in the court of The Quipping Queen, www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com