Written by Theolonius McTavish

Continued from page 1

-- Sing saucy songs atrepparttar top of my lungs inrepparttar 135348 shower just to annoy my high-brow, nosey-poking, next-door neighbor.

-- Brush my teeth to removerepparttar 135349 grunge (tartar) and make my breath fragrant as all get out (so other living creatures will feel comfortable in my presence).

-- Relieve myself occasionally and conveniently whenrepparttar 135350 spirit moves me.

-- Talk compassionately to my pet rock “Godot”.

-- Feed my rather sparse-leafed money tree named “Kaching”.

-- Walk my miniature rottweiler “Sir Galahad” (and of course pick up after him with those brand-named doggy bags).

-- Meditate on life without monsters, telemarketers, and virtual reality TV shows.

-- Unplug, debottleneck, and take power naps (whichever comes first).

-- Separate recyclables and transportrepparttar 135351 refuse to designated bins marked “paper only”, “glass”, “plastic”, and “everything else butrepparttar 135352 kitchen sink”.

-- Prepare my favorite comfort food, “bangers and mash” (i.e. well cooked pork and mashed potatoes garnished with gobs of calorie-laden butter and gravy).

My humble advice is stay away from digital devices and books that tell you how easy it is to operate them. Whenever you feelrepparttar 135353 urge to know more about a dingus or purchase a doodad that does everything, just visit a kindergarten nearby and askrepparttar 135354 little tikes how to have fun.

And, as every kid at heart knows, you don’t need another bleeping book orrepparttar 135355 latest bit of bling-bling to know you’re alive and how to have fun!!

Theolonius McTavish, a quirky curmudgeon whose mirthful meanderings include slow food, slow motion, and slow dating in that order of magnitude (provided he's not interrupted by perplexing potshots from the ripsnorting realm of The Quipping Queen --


Written by Truman Tockhole III

Continued from page 1

-- Being old, having a very long neck, and no brain is cool (especially if you’re a “wet one” who has no compelling need for dry diapers).

-- But, stay away from folks with fins, a high-velocity squirt gun, and underwater breathing apparatus (if you value your life or want to get intorepparttar Guinness Book of World Records for Longevity).

-- Telling everyone you went to school with “Tonyrepparttar 135202 Tuna” won’t win you any brownie points (because brownies don’t live inrepparttar 135203 sea silly); so fess up…admit you haven’t got a clue who Neptune is, better yet “clam up” and behave yourself.

-- Do stop fretting about your lack of talent, skills, or business acumen, because ifrepparttar 135204 only thing you've mastered is how to suck and spit, you’ve either gotrepparttar 135205 makings of a first class slob (or else you’re a genuine geoduck)!

-- Since you’ve always fancied yourself a bit of a catch or a fine delicacy, you'll be heartened to know that in China they adore your tasty flesh in soup, in a hot pot, or fresh with a bit of tangy sauce (what a relief -- no more wimpy fries, calorie-laden burgers, or chocolate milk shakes for you)!

Oh and byrepparttar 135206 way, in case you forgot, he who is able to keep his trap shut, suck wind, and bury his head inrepparttar 135207 sand will always be valued by those who live in big glass huts. More torepparttar 135208 point, those who fancy a large serving of sushi or stir fry will never have to "dig deep" when you're around. Just remember -- smile and whatever you do -- refrain from drenching this melting moment in ketchup please!!

Truman Tockhole III, (a casual observer of alien artifacts, odd orifices, and strange stuff found underwater, below ground, in the refrigerator, or beneath one's bed) when he's not otherwise engaged in a daring debate with mirthful types over in the quirky queendom of quibbles and bits (

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