Written by Theolonius McTavish

Continued from page 1

-- Bottomless-Pit Fast-Food Franchises are also proud to announce expanded menu selections including Vixen Vegan Stir-Fry, low-carb Hades "Hot" Dogs, plus low-calorie Pluto-Pepper-Pizzas and Sassy-Soy-Styxs.

-- The Ministry of Hot Air has responded positively to negative comments, received fromrepparttar "Beelzebub & Friends Society", regardingrepparttar 118139 insipid flavor ofrepparttar 118140 potable water supply and nasal-impairments caused byrepparttar 118141 fetid air quality. Residents will be relieved to know thatrepparttar 118142 big "Blue Blazes" blast furnaces (owned byrepparttar 118143 Everlasting Fire & Crispy Roasting Corp.) must reduce noxious gas emissions by 20%, underrepparttar 118144 terms and conditions ofrepparttar 118145 Hot Air & Hot Aqua (HAHA) Treaty.

-- To addressrepparttar 118146 auditory-challenges of lost souls and departed spirits (i.e. valued Freedom-55ers ofrepparttar 118147 lower world),repparttar 118148 volume on JINX-98.5FM (Sisyphus Rock & Roll Radio) will be cranked up a notch or two, while glow-in-the-dark ear-plugs and virtual reality hard hats will be issued to youthful yahoo patrons ofrepparttar 118149 Dungeons & Dragons Night Club.

-- Satan's Storm Centre has responded to suggestions from wicked witches, testy trolls, and someone called "The Man from UNCLE" who want a simple, color-coordinated 24/7 emergency alert system (which has been reduced to 10 shades of red) and one prominent canary yellow button marked "Panic" (indicating it's definitely time to move to Plan B whatever that is).

Additional suggestions to improverepparttar 118150 quality of life in Hades should be addressed to The Head Honcho, Hades Office of Tourism, 112 Hot House Boulevard, HADES.

NOTE: If your letter returns with "address unknown" marked onrepparttar 118151 envelope, you'll know that you've been spared a wonderland vacation to Perdition (the place of fallen angels). So rejoice ... and as they say in leisure industry lingo, "Have a Nice Day"!

Theolonius McTavish, is a roving reporter and eccentric travel consultant covering out-of-the-way spots and unusual on-line destinations such as "The Quipping Queen"

The Texas Trail

Written by James Collins

Continued from page 1

I'd never phoned Wahoo! before but now I thought I ought to contact them to explain that I'd been working on my site for two years and surely it would be better for them to keep my domain open and just accept a payment from my visa card. For some reason I'd always thought Wahoo! was in California, perhaps Silicon Valley, but they turned out to be in Texas, which I suppose explains why they call themselves Ya... I mean Wahoo! Anyway, after I'd tapped inrepparttar usual half-a-dozen choices via my phone keys, I finally got through torepparttar 118138 right department. The girl onrepparttar 118139 line was pleasant, helpful and informative. She even told me that it was raining in Texas. I said I didn't think it ever rained in Texas and did she know that Dallas was named after my little village (pop. 200)in Scotland? She said no, but she thought Houston was named after Sam Houston.

That was reallyrepparttar 118140 high point ofrepparttar 118141 conversation. She finished by saying that my site was due to be axed in twenty-four hours and that, much as she regretted it, there was nothing she or anybody else could do about it. However, I was welcome to upload as many pages as I liked after I had re-registered, and have a nice day.

Well, I know when I'm beaten. I could feelrepparttar 118142 weight of a mighty corporation behind her words, like you do when a policeman pulls you over. Ok, I thought, let's try a small company, and why not one that's a little closer to Scotland thanrepparttar 118143 Lone Star state.

I chose one in England. I explained my problem onrepparttar 118144 phone andrepparttar 118145 guy said they had a very efficient, friendly service, so I paid my subscription and signed up. That was five days ago and I've not been able to contact them onrepparttar 118146 phone since. Hmm...

Meanwhile Ya... I mean Wahoo! have re-installed my site address, minusrepparttar 118147 contents, so I now have two websites - both empty.

Yep, looks like it's gonna be a long, hard winter.Herd 'em up, move 'em out - Yahoo! James Collins email:

James Collins is an artist, writer and musician who lives in the Scottish Highlands. These days he specialises in portraits of pets and other animals, but he still finds time to paint and draw the beautiful and rugged landscape of Scotland. He lives with his wife, daughter and three dogs in a house overlooking the Moray Firth.

    <Back to Page 1 © 2005
Terms of Use