-- Bottomless-Pit Fast-Food Franchises are also proud to announce expanded menu selections including Vixen Vegan Stir-Fry, low-carb Hades "Hot" Dogs, plus low-calorie Pluto-Pepper-Pizzas and Sassy-Soy-Styxs.

-- The Ministry of Hot Air has responded positively to negative comments, received from "Beelzebub & Friends Society", regarding insipid flavor of potable water supply and nasal-impairments caused by fetid air quality. Residents will be relieved to know that big "Blue Blazes" blast furnaces (owned by Everlasting Fire & Crispy Roasting Corp.) must reduce noxious gas emissions by 20%, under terms and conditions of Hot Air & Hot Aqua (HAHA) Treaty.

-- To address auditory-challenges of lost souls and departed spirits (i.e. valued Freedom-55ers of lower world), volume on JINX-98.5FM (Sisyphus Rock & Roll Radio) will be cranked up a notch or two, while glow-in-the-dark ear-plugs and virtual reality hard hats will be issued to youthful yahoo patrons of Dungeons & Dragons Night Club.

-- Satan's Storm Centre has responded to suggestions from wicked witches, testy trolls, and someone called "The Man from UNCLE" who want a simple, color-coordinated 24/7 emergency alert system (which has been reduced to 10 shades of red) and one prominent canary yellow button marked "Panic" (indicating it's definitely time to move to Plan B whatever that is).

Additional suggestions to improve quality of life in Hades should be addressed to The Head Honcho, Hades Office of Tourism, 112 Hot House Boulevard, HADES.

NOTE: If your letter returns with "address unknown" marked on envelope, you'll know that you've been spared a wonderland vacation to Perdition (the place of fallen angels). So rejoice ... and as they say in leisure industry lingo, "Have a Nice Day"!

I'd never phoned Wahoo! before but now I thought I ought to contact them to explain that I'd been working on my site for two years and surely it would be better for them to keep my domain open and just accept a payment from my visa card. For some reason I'd always thought Wahoo! was in California, perhaps Silicon Valley, but they turned out to be in Texas, which I suppose explains why they call themselves Ya... I mean Wahoo! Anyway, after I'd tapped in usual half-a-dozen choices via my phone keys, I finally got through to right department. The girl on line was pleasant, helpful and informative. She even told me that it was raining in Texas. I said I didn't think it ever rained in Texas and did she know that Dallas was named after my little village (pop. 200)in Scotland? She said no, but she thought Houston was named after Sam Houston.

That was really high point of conversation. She finished by saying that my site was due to be axed in twenty-four hours and that, much as she regretted it, there was nothing she or anybody else could do about it. However, I was welcome to upload as many pages as I liked after I had re-registered, and have a nice day.

Well, I know when I'm beaten. I could feel weight of a mighty corporation behind her words, like you do when a policeman pulls you over. Ok, I thought, let's try a small company, and why not one that's a little closer to Scotland than Lone Star state.

I chose one in England. I explained my problem on phone and guy said they had a very efficient, friendly service, so I paid my subscription and signed up. That was five days ago and I've not been able to contact them on phone since. Hmm...

Meanwhile Ya... I mean Wahoo! have re-installed my site address, minus contents, so I now have two websites - both empty.

Yep, looks like it's gonna be a long, hard winter.Herd 'em up, move 'em out - Yahoo! James Collins http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com email: collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk