Forgive ... not Seven Times, but Seventy-Seven Times

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant

Continued from page 1

We suffer when we’re angry. It causes physiological reactions that damage our health, and drive others away, leaving us to fester in our own isolated hell. We also suffer because we feel guilty about being angry. And we may feel strangled because we can’t act on it. It’s a complicated emotion. It is, however, neither good nor bad in and of itself. Emotions just “are.” They guide us. They tell us what to do.

Anger tells us there is danger and we need to deal with it directly. The problem develops when we have not learned Emotional Intelligence and don’t know how to handle this anger. It can live forever in its raw state if not dealt with, undermining our health. But what if … What ifrepparttar person who did this is dead? Or estranged, like Paco from hjs father? … Or virulently poised to do more harm? Or an apology won’t really do, as in “I’m sorry I was drunk forrepparttar 126144 first 15 years of your life”? Or “I’m sorry I had your father shot by a firing squad in front of your eyes?” What if they absolutely do not deserve our forgiveness? What do we do then? Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is an EQ competency. At times it’s even harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others, and we stand in need as well.

While we are all Paco, we are all, also, his father. We create our own world, and as we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to allow others to forgive us. What goes around comes around. Being forgiving – forgiving yourself and others – is highly recommended. The person you’re harboringrepparttar 126145 hatred for isn’t likely to be affected by it, but you are which makes you twicerepparttar 126146 victim, and morerepparttar 126147 fool. You are demanding from them something they can’t or won’t give, and you therefore remain tied to them forever. They don’t deserve you to forgive them, but you deserve to forgive them. HELL

I’m reminded of Dante’s “Inferno.” Inrepparttar 126148 fifth ring of hell live “the Wrathful.” Saysrepparttar 126149 commentary, “they spend their time here either tearing at each other in anger or …” Yes, that’s being in hell.

But even more fitting isrepparttar 126150 ninth and final circle of Hell, Cocytus, which is ice cold (those farthest from God’s love). There we find those who betrayed those to whom they should forever have been faithful, those treacherous to kin, andrepparttar 126151 image is this -- two people are frozen inrepparttar 126152 same hole so that one can gnaw atrepparttar 126153 nape ofrepparttar 126154 other’s neck. An apt metaphor for how we can gnaw at ourselves with resentment and anger.

To paraphrase Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., psychoneuroimmunologist, ‘Go ahead and rant and rave, rage, beat your chest, fight! But torepparttar 126155 victor goesrepparttar 126156 bypass.’

For your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, you must learn how to let it go. Work with a coach to develop your Emotional Intelligence. Anger directly affects our immunological system, which is our health, and it is an ongoing part of life for all of us. It’srepparttar 126157 price we pay for being human.

©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, . Coaching, business programs, Internet courses, teleclasses, and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence for your wellness, success and happiness. for FREE ezine. Put “ezine” for subject line. Susan is the author of The EQ Foundation Course, .

Once Upon a Time … How to Facilitate Change in Others

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach & Consultant

Continued from page 1


One ofrepparttar important things about myths and stories is thatrepparttar 126143 person brings to it his or her own experience. Most ofrepparttar 126144 fairytales, folklore and parables we’ve passed down throughrepparttar 126145 ages are dense with meaning we can’t quite put our finger on. It doesn’t matter; we still ‘get’ them. I’ve never heard someone say, “What does that mean?” after such a story. More typically they are lost in thought, off in their own world which has been deeply touched. Consider for instancerepparttar 126146 fairytale of “The Poor Little Match Girl.” I’ve heard this interpreted as a feminist warning against inaction. The child is alone and freezing to death, huddled in a corner, with only matches to burn to keep herself warm.

Eventually she uses them all up and an angel arrives to take her off to heaven. She has frozen to death. The feminist interpretation is that it’s a warning against, I guess, staying at home barefoot and pregnant.

Whatever someone else’s interpretation, here’s how I took it as a child:

I compared myself torepparttar 126147 little girl inrepparttar 126148 story. I knew I was well cared for, smart, strong and brave. I felt sorry forrepparttar 126149 poor little match girl who must’ve been beautiful (as all fairytale children are beautiful), but had been left alone inrepparttar 126150 world withoutrepparttar 126151 resources she needed and I had. I wanted to help her and people like her and knew that I could and would.

Instead of thinking “why isn’t she doing something?” or “what could she have done?” or even “I would’ve done this and this,” I was thinking, “I’ll never be in that position myself, and I know how to help others who are.”

What some readers interpret as a dire warning against inaction, I took as inspiration – an affirmation of my resourcefulness, and a call to action. I wasrepparttar 126152 Big Sister, after all, accustomed to comforting and caring for my younger siblings. It was no big deal to me.

I also felt that since I (or some other helpful person) hadn’t been there to help her, how nice it was to know that when she died, she was carried off to heaven inrepparttar 126153 loving arms of an angel. If not love and comfort in one plane, then love and comfort in another. What a warm, wonderful world. Yes, I was that kind of kid, and yes, I remember those reactions clearly, though they were many decades ago. We bring torepparttar 126154 story what we have to bring to it, and we take away with us what we need to take away with us.


If you are very clever, you can learn to construct stories to fit your needs in communication. They can be as short as a metaphor or a simile -- “You’re badgering me,” or “You act like there’s no tomorrow,” or “You were my knight in shining armor, darling,” or “Sorry, but I’m taking offrepparttar 126155 red shoes.”

And when you so, use that special tone of voice,repparttar 126156 once that gets intorepparttar 126157 right brain. Don’t know what it is? Let me teach you. But don’t mistake this for manipulation. It isn’t like hypnotism, either. You can’t control another person, nor is it nice to try, and this isn’t designed to do it. Rather, it pulls on what’s already there, and whatrepparttar 126158 person is inclined toward inrepparttar 126159 first place, or it wouldn’t be happening.

Consider it more like saying something withoutrepparttar 126160 barriers and obstacles your own left-brain puts out in your own path that fogs your communication. Communication is a two-way street. You can also userepparttar 126161 many myths and stories already out there. Classic myths have endured for a reason; they talk about human nature andrepparttar 126162 challenges we have faced since time immemorial that transcend time, gender, age and culture. “Cinderella,” for instance, is very good for little girls who have mothers who make them do things they don’t want to. Several different cultures have Cinderella-type stories, because every little girl has a wicked stepmother, yes?

I, onrepparttar 126163 other hand, had most of my conflicts with me dad, and my favorite fairytale was “The Twelve Dancing Princesses.” You know,repparttar 126164 one whererepparttar 126165 girls get locked up in their rooms every night by their FATHER,repparttar 126166 king, but sneak out to go dancing [wink wink] and where atrepparttar 126167 end,repparttar 126168 handsome soldier choosesrepparttar 126169 ELDEST SISTER to be his bride, notrepparttar 126170 baby [wink wink]. APPLICATIONS

If you’re a coach, therapist, teacher, manager, or even a partner in a relationship, consider using myth, metaphor and magic to communicate. If you’ve been aroundrepparttar 126171 block a few thousand times, you know that in-your-face doesn’t work. In fact, “You can talk till you’re blue inrepparttar 126172 face …” Words – left-brain type words – don’t work. Try something different.

Studying The EQ Foundation Course© (see my website) can help you, and is taught from a right-brained standpoint.

One last thing before you leave. Take a look at this brain candy produced by The International Association of Intercultural Education: . Then ponder it (right brain), don’t think about it (left brain).

©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach & Consultant, . Coaching, business programs, Internet courses, teleclasses and ebooks on EQ. I train and certify emotional intelligence coaches, and am the author of “The Magic of Myths,” an Internet course, and “Can You Read Nonverbal Communication,” . for FREE ezine; put “ezine” for SL.

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