This role modeling exists in form of our spiritual Guidance. Tapping into this Guidance is not as hard as you may think - it just takes practice and a deep desire to move out of fight or flight and into loving action.

The steps we can take to move out of automatic fight or flight and into loving actions are:

1. Start to attend to your feelings, physical sensations within your body that let you know when you are anxious or afraid.

2. Stop and breathe when you feel fear or anxiety in face of conflict, or in face of another’s fight or flight behavior. Give yourself some breathing time to make a conscious decision rather than go on automatic pilot.

3. Open to learning with source of spiritual Guidance that is always here for all of us by asking with a sincere desire to know, “What is loving action? What is in my highest good and highest good of other?” Asking this question with a deep desire to learn opens door to receiving information. It does not matter whether you are asking this of your own highest self within, or from an external source of wisdom. The information will come in form of words, pictures, or feelings when you sincerely want to be loving to yourself and others.

4. Take action on information you receive.

Examples of loving action are:

1. Move into compassion for other person, recognizing that he or she would not be in fight or flight without being in fear. Asking other person, again from a deep desire to learn, what he or she is afraid of that is causing this behavior may de-escalate situation and lead to understanding and healing.

2. If other person is not open to calm discussion and exploration of conflict, disengage from interaction, speaking your truth without anger or blame. For example, you might say, “I don’t want to fight with you. I’m going to take a walk and let’s try to talk about it later.” Or, “This isn’t feeling good between us. Let’s take a break and get together later.”

3. If other person has withdrawn from you, loving action may be to do something fun or nurturing for yourself.

Both staying and learning together or taking some time apart to reflect on issues or self-nurture will break cycle of each person going into fight or flight in reaction to other person’s fight or flight. It takes conscious practice to stop going into automatic behavior, but payoff is well worth time it takes to practice loving action.

We suffer when we’re angry. It causes physiological reactions that damage our health, and drive others away, leaving us to fester in our own isolated hell. We also suffer because we feel guilty about being angry. And we may feel strangled because we can’t act on it. It’s a complicated emotion. It is, however, neither good nor bad in and of itself. Emotions just “are.” They guide us. They tell us what to do.

Anger tells us there is danger and we need to deal with it directly. The problem develops when we have not learned Emotional Intelligence and don’t know how to handle this anger. It can live forever in its raw state if not dealt with, undermining our health. But what if … What if person who did this is dead? Or estranged, like Paco from hjs father? … Or virulently poised to do more harm? Or an apology won’t really do, as in “I’m sorry I was drunk for first 15 years of your life”? Or “I’m sorry I had your father shot by a firing squad in front of your eyes?” What if they absolutely do not deserve our forgiveness? What do we do then? Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is an EQ competency. At times it’s even harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others, and we stand in need as well.

While we are all Paco, we are all, also, his father. We create our own world, and as we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to allow others to forgive us. What goes around comes around. Being forgiving – forgiving yourself and others – is highly recommended. The person you’re harboring hatred for isn’t likely to be affected by it, but you are which makes you twice victim, and more fool. You are demanding from them something they can’t or won’t give, and you therefore remain tied to them forever. They don’t deserve you to forgive them, but you deserve to forgive them. HELL

I’m reminded of Dante’s “Inferno.” In fifth ring of hell live “the Wrathful.” Says commentary, “they spend their time here either tearing at each other in anger or …” Yes, that’s being in hell.

But even more fitting is ninth and final circle of Hell, Cocytus, which is ice cold (those farthest from God’s love). There we find those who betrayed those to whom they should forever have been faithful, those treacherous to kin, and image is this -- two people are frozen in same hole so that one can gnaw at nape of other’s neck. An apt metaphor for how we can gnaw at ourselves with resentment and anger.

To paraphrase Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., psychoneuroimmunologist, ‘Go ahead and rant and rave, rage, beat your chest, fight! But to victor goes bypass.’

For your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, you must learn how to let it go. Work with a coach to develop your Emotional Intelligence. Anger directly affects our immunological system, which is our health, and it is an ongoing part of life for all of us. It’s price we pay for being human.