And last but not least, fire-fighters, police and emergency response personnel (traditionally subject of made-for-TV dramas), are staging sit-downs in order to give their feet a rest and to protest influx of reality-TV shows starring foolhardy folk who are undermining their job opportunities for walk-on parts, consulting roles, or professional posing gigs as hunks for charity balls and fundraising calendars.

The only bright light on horizon is a dramatic boost in holiday bookings to "Fool's Paradise", (a boon to flagging hospitality, travel and airline transportation industries), and a firstly quarterly earnings report issued by U.S. Mattress Manufacturing Industry Trade Group indicating brisk sales in coiled bedding but a plummeting demand for waterbeds since January 2005.

With such a grave situation at hand, United Nations, World Bank, and European Union, not to mention White House and 10 Downing Street have announced that “the following List of Famous Last Words shall be banished forthwith, immediately, and “toute de suite” from all public speech and discourse”.

These drastic measures are being taken in hope of restoring peace on earth and goodwill toward men (not to mention a very long list of other affirmative action members of society, who for needs of brevity shall remain forever nameless, at least in this agonizingly arduous article on much ado about nothing of vital importance or cataclysmic proportions in hitherto inexplicable grand scheme of things…unless of course one has successfully completed "Introduction to Philosopy 101", "Elementary Quantum Physics 102", or "Zen for Men 999".)

And, for those who have been waiting, (with baited breath naturally), for “Top 10 Banned Famous Last Words List”, here they are:

-- That’s cool - some of my best friends have useless appendages like that.

-- That would be mine thank you.

-- What duck! ...I'm bleeding Fickle Finger of Fate for pete's sake!

-- Now I ask you, what would Truth Turtle do in this situation?

-- Oh don’t be so superstitious!

-- These are good kind of mushrooms, (Martha told me so).

-- Look, if “The-Great-Sees-All-Knows-All-Spirit-of-Everything” doesn’t need them, neither should you!

-- Okay, so who let you into gene pool?

-- I can do this with my eyes closed ... but what does this little button do?

-- The odds of that happening are a million to one!

* * *

Press Secretary for “The Quipping Queen”, Count Guidobaldo Le Touquet, indicated that “oodles of Boffos and Bling Blingers, Joy-Riding Jokesters and Happy–Go-Lucky Hoodwinkers, plus an assortment of Goofy Goddesses, Moxie Mavens and Spunky Sprites will have a jolly good time on this auspicious occasion!”

Dr. Thor Trewoofe, Professor Emeritus of Laughing Matters, recommended that “those with light heads and light hearts wear fanciful fool’s caps and dazzling dunce hats so as to distinguish themselves from marginally merry souls if not mirth-challenged mortarboard members of Victoria’s three esteemed Ivory Tower Institutes of Inklings.”

For just $5 plus cost of a barmy beverage (with a very long, impressive, foreign-sounding name) or a smashing snack (with a short but incredibly snooty menu label), fools may rush in and enjoy high jinks, tacky treats, and piffling prizes as well as applaud winners of some very incredulous achievements.

Date: Friday, April 1, 2005 (April Fools' Day)

Time: 7:00 p.m.

Place: James Bay Coffee & Books 143 Menzies Street Victoria, British Columbia* (Canada)

__________

* In heart of beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia conveniently situated not far from major Inner Harbor tourist attraction, a delightfully decorated Pecksniffian playground, known affectionately as Provincial Legislature.

NOTE: Lollygagging-lifestyle and levity-focused folk wishing to know more about “The Quipping Queen", (awarded top honors as ‘best of breed’ humor blog in 2004 by CanadaBlogs.com and Weblogs.com) are cordially invited to visit virtual vanity chest of chortles, guffaws, and shenanigans at http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com./ and our brand-new online giggle gallery at www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen