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5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END relationship or at least move it to point where attractors become, again, distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become focal point for couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after children are in school and/or oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on different kinds of affairs, what causes them, probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627