*Jen, Miss Congeniality, was a pro. When there was silence, she would begin a conversation -- “Well, what did everyone do today?” She would then turn to someone who would speak a little. Then she would ask next person.

*Major Drag Donald and his wife Edna added nothing positive to group. Donald, when he managed to ^get floor^ as surely he thought of it, would drone on about something that could’ve been interesting if it weren’t for his style and demeanor. Then his wife would correct him. For instance, Sally started talking about how rocking of boat reminded her of earthquakes and San Andreas Fault. This got MD Donald, an engineer professor, talking about geophysics. We could’ve learned some really great stuff if he’d been talking to us instead of a group of Ph.D. geophysicists or whomever he had in mind, and if he‘d cut it short. Then Edna corrected numbers of Richter scale with hostility.

*Kristina listened to Doctor Bob asking me about emotional intelligence and interjected by asking Doctor Bob, “Are you a Christian?” This is not appropriate over dinner table. Doctor Bob’s response was appropriate: “Kristina, what a charming question. Could you please pass butter?”

Here are some dinner conversation rules. Learn rules. When it’s time to break them, your intuition (an EQ competency) will tell you.

1. Avoid controversial subjects. 2. Find something pleasant to talk about in a pleasant tone of voice. 3. Pay attention to nonverbal cues from table mates that you are boring them. 4. Use interpersonal skills to include others. Don’t hog conversation no matter how charming you think you are. 5. Do your part. It’s up to you to make it a pleasant evening. 6. Save private quarrels with your partner for another time; don’t correct them, make hostile comments, criticize or ridicule your partner in public. 7. If you’re greatly skilled, gently ^control^ flow of conversation. 8. Don’t be a boring person. When is a person boring? When they’re bored. If you’re bored, why are you? Work on that. (Get a coach!) 9. Have a store of topics at your fingertips when you approach table. Such topics as movies, books, scenery, travel, celebrities, sports, art and questions-about-others are always appropriate. 10. Find new ways to ask old questions. Make this a creative exercise for yourself. For instance, “What do you do when you’re not cruising?” will lead to a far more interesting answer than “What’s your job?” 11. Ask open-ended questions, that is, ones that can’t be answered with “yes” or “no”. 12. You’ll never fail if you show interest in others. If you’re lucky, you’ll be in a high EQ group where such consideration is shared. 13. Conversation’s like volleyball -- keep it in air, set up others, don't hog ball. 14. As Dr. Johnson says, avoid vanity and competition. 15. Spend some time observing talented others.

4. Identify Your Role. Ask, how am I contributing to my problems? What is my responsibility in all this? Did I decide to be a garbage disposal? Do I beat myself to death trying to please others? Do I expect things of myself that are unfair? Do I treat myself as a friend or an enemy? Do I allow my mental spectators to drive me to distraction, depression, anger, anxiety? Recognizing your role in your own problems is a positive - but scary - step toward knowing yourself and gaining personal command.

5. State Your Desires. Ask, what do I specifically want to do about my problems? Do I want to be a doormat, a slut, a drunk, a friendless geek? Or do I want to rule my mental spectators? Do I want to stand up to a spectator, real or imagined, who puts me down? Do I want to take command of my education, my bank account, my relationships? Until you can actually list your desires in order of their importance, you will be a victim. However, once you do this, you are on your way to being a victor.

6. Seek Options. Ask, what are my options, and in what order should I place them? What is first option I should concentrate on? The second one? The third? If you have a soul-sucking hangover most mornings, you might opt to give up your booze buddies for some real friends. Secondly, take money you normally spend at bars and deposit it in a college fund for yourself or your kids. If, instead, you're a workaholic and you want to spend more time with your kids, then DO IT. Very few people on their deathbed have said, "If I could live life all over again, I'd spend more of it at work and less with people I love." Choices are involved here, but by weighing options and alternatives, and then making personal choices, you are taking command. Do this and you'll begin to gain real power.

7. Learn Winning Techniques. Ask, how do I rule my real and my mental spectators? Must I collapse in a heap when they point thumbs down? How can I learn to take charge on every level and get a grip on my life? There is no "magic" involved, but you might feel as if there is. Unlike a vanquished gladiator falling at whim of spectators, you decide your own course.

8. Master Your Relationships. Ask, what more can I do to master my relationships by strengthening myself and my perceptions? How do I take command right now in developing my own identification and self-worth? Congratulations! You're working on one person in entire world you can work on - YOU! And any improvements in yourself can't help but enrich your relationships with other people and world around you.

Although this is only a brief overview of each of eight steps for jump-starting your relationships and taking control of your life, you'd be amazed at how significant effects of a few minor adjustments in perception can be.