Emotional Dependency or Emotional ResponsibilityWritten by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
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However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever reason for other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.
The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up phone, or leave restaurant, or go into other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change other person.
Once out of range, emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.
Rather than being a victim of other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful self-help, 6-step emotional and spiritual healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
New Toys + New Playmates = Better BrainWritten by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
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REALITY: According to Arnold Scheibel, head of UCLA’s Brain Research Institute, brain’s axons and dendrites (which send and receive messages) grow fastest with new material. “The important thing is to be actively involved in areas unfamiliar to you,” say Golden and Tsiaras, in “Building a Better Brain.” “Anything that is intellectually challenging can probably serve as a kind of stimulus for dendritic growth, which means it adds to computational reserves in your brain.” Sounds to me like building new hard drive, yes?
7. MYTH: Watching Discovery Channel suffices for stimulation.
REALITY: Dr. Robert Friedland reports that adults over age 70 with brain-stimulating hobbies were two and a half times less likely to suffer from effects of Alzheimer’s later in life than were those whose main leisure activity was watching TV.
8. MYTH: In order to stimulate and grow brain, you must engage in formal schooling.
REALITY: According to Warner, traditional academic subjects aren’t only answer. The key is to find something both new and challenging to you. Therefore, if you’re an engineering professor, for instance, you’re better off learning how to grow roses, write poetry, or fly a plane.
9. MYTH: I can ignore it for a while and it will still be there when I get back.
REALITY: According to neurologist Oliver Sacks, our body’s economy dictates that if neurons dedicated to perform a given skill are not being used, they’ll either atrophy or be co-opted to some other function.
10. MYTH: Intellectual stimulation is enough.
REALITY: Aerobic exercise may be especially beneficial to brain function in aging people, because it tends to keep blood vessels in better shape (Marion Diamond). Mice that exercised regularly on a running wheel grew twice as many new brain cells (in hippocampus) (Salk study).
So there you have it! Jog on out for those new toys and new playmates and get a better brain and a better life! And it’s never too late unless you don’t start now.
Susan helps people enhance their brains and develop their emotional intelligence. Visit her on the web at http://www.susandunn.cc. Mailto:email@example.com for Free ezine; put "ezine" for subject line. Coaching, ebooks, teleclasses. Susan trains and certifies EQ coaches. Email for info on affordable, fast, no-residency program.