Embracing The Late Wife

Written by Julie Donner Andersen


Continued from page 1

counselor. After sobbing my story to him, he asked me if I would do a

simple exercise…write a letter torepparttar late wife as if she could read it herself.

I came very close to quitting therapy before I finally gave this idea a chance.

"Dear Late Wife…"

But a week later, with pen and paper in hand, I drove torepparttar 130994 cemetery and

sat byrepparttar 130995 late wife's marker while I poured out my heart. Amazingly,

though, once I started writing to her as if she were sitting right next to me, a

funny thing happened. My anger faded away, and was replaced by sorrowful

compassion. This is what I wrote:

"....I wish I could meet you. I would have liked to have known

the kind of woman my husband choserepparttar 130996 first time around. I'd like to think

that because of our mutual love for him, we might have been good friends.

And oh, I would have had so many questions to ask you! What strengths

do we have in common? What fears do we share? What was it about our

husband that first attracted you? What was it about him that you loved so

much? How did he propose to you? How was your sex life? Too personal?

OK, sorry....but it DOES cross my mind from time to time!

Do you know how guilty I feel sometimes, just knowing that I

am here only because you are not - that I am livingrepparttar 130997 life that you could

have, had you not died? Your death also left so many fears for me...will I

ever be #1 in my husband's heart? Will I always live in your shadow? Will

your memory andrepparttar 130998 ghost of you always be inrepparttar 130999 back of his heart,

overshadowing anything good he may feel for me? Will he always hold you

up so high on that damned pedestal that I can't get near it? Do you know

how much I envy you? You wererepparttar 131000 "first", and nothing will ever change

that. I will always be justrepparttar 131001 "second".

I know it all sounds selfish. You didn't ASK to die, and you

didn't want to, either. I know our husband wishes he could have spared you

the excruciating pain you endured with cancer. I'm so sorry that you were

too young to die. You had so much more life ahead of you, so much more

love to share. He loved you so. But since you did die, he had to move on. I

hope you don't hold that against him. I'm sure that if you loved him as you

did, you would want him to be happy.

And he is happy, really. We have a baby now. Did you get to

hold her in Heaven before she was born? Did you feel a part of our husband

when you kissed her sweet face? I want that to be a nice memory for you. I'm

sorry you didn't have children. Our husband is such a great daddy, and

for him,repparttar 131002 sun rises and sets on his daughter. I know you would want that

for him.

Thank you for helping to make him who he is today,repparttar 131003 man I

love and adore. I know you had something to do with that inrepparttar 131004 short time

you had together."

Cleansing My Soul

When I had finished, I felt relieved. The burden of allrepparttar 131005 rage I had felt

was instantaneously lifted from my shoulders. I cried for hours. It was as if I

had been grieving her loss myself. I felt almost a sisterhood with her, and

started to feel guilty about having hated her. I didn't hate her. I hated me.

But now, I loved us both.

When my next session withrepparttar 131006 psychologist came, I gaverepparttar 131007 letter to

him to read. This wise, wonderful advisor looked at me with sympathetic

eyes, and asked, "So, how does it feel to have forgiven…yourself?"

Myself? Hmm…I hadn't thought of it that way. But he was right.

Instead of forgivingrepparttar 131008 late wife for allrepparttar 131009 things I had accused her of and

allrepparttar 131010 things I had conjured up in my insecure mind, I came to accept that

since she wasrepparttar 131011 innocent party, it was me who needed forgiveness, and

only me who could grant it.

Consciously, I knew thatrepparttar 131012 insecurities I had plagued myself with were

based on hypothetical and illogical reasoning. But subconsciously, I couldn't

help it. I wanted someone to blame for making me feel so insecure. I blamed

her, when I really should have taken more responsibility for my negative

feelings inrepparttar 131013 first place.

I suppose I will always wonder aboutrepparttar 131014 life my husband shared with his

late wife, and I'm sure I will always be curious aboutrepparttar 131015 person she was.

It's no longer an obsession that lives to spite her, but more of a quiet

reflection of a woman who shares my husband's heart. It has taken time, but

since I have becomerepparttar 131016 master of my own feelings aboutrepparttar 131017 past and made

my peace with it (AND withrepparttar 131018 late wife), my life with and marriage to a

widower has become much easier. Embracingrepparttar 131019 late wife is relatively easy if you can humbly give credit

where credit is due, sincerepparttar 131020 late wife was a perfectly valuable person,

worthy of love and compassion. Forgiving yourself isrepparttar 131021 first step in healing

the guilt you may bear for having blamed her for feeling rage or hatred. The

next step is to remember that, even if you never hear a disparaging word

about her,repparttar 131022 late wife was not a saint. The seemingly flawless windmills

you tilt at are only those in your mind. Embracing her only means accepting

her for who and what she was, faults and all, including what she gave to your

husband. But most of all, embracingrepparttar 131023 late wife means accepting that you

two will be forever linked not by jealousy or a sense of competition but by

the love you both share(d) with your husband.



From her blockbuster new book, "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey As The Wife Of A Widower" (Amazon.com/WeyantPress.com), Julie Donner Andersen tells it like it is from one who has "been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!"


Body Image: Living in Our Bodies

Written by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist


Continued from page 1

These feelings of inadequacy and shame that both Maria and Heather have about their bodies and what they eat, and that so many women experience to one degree or another, is created and fuelled in a society that places more value on how women look than on what we think, feel or contribute. Women's physical attractiveness is such a big issue, particularly inrepparttar dominant white culture, that girls as young as seven years old are dieting.

Given society's obsession with appearances, particularly women's, it's no surprise then that many women believe that by changing their bodies, they can change their lives. But, this only makes matters worse. The more we focus on changing our body,repparttar 130992 more we will feel like a failure, disappointed at our lack of success or control, and ashamed, anxious and insecure that our body doesn't lookrepparttar 130993 way that we want it to. This inevitably takes us further and further away from our deeper self, leaving us feeling unsatisfied, lost, irritable, angry and depressed.

The challenge for all of us is to be ourselves, and to be in our bodies. When we live in our bodies, feel our feelings, and know our own perspective, we can't help but feel more connected and at peace with ourselves. When we judge our bodies we are taking an 'outsider' view, when what we really need is to learn how to live inside our bodies.

Finding a quiet place, taking a few deep breaths, and tuning in to how you feel is a good place to begin. Doing this for short periods of time each day, or as regularly as you can, increases your ability to do this more naturally. Everyone needs to find their own way of going inward. For some it is writing in a journal, meditating, yoga, dance, talking to other people, joining a support group, therapy, taking a bath, or getting a massage. Anything that assists you to focus inward and to connect with how you feel in your body, not how your body looks, is helpful.

Whichever route you take to connect more deeply with yourself is your choice. Try not to get discouraged if at first you don't feel any changes, it may take some time and there are other methods to try. There are some excellent exercises in Marcia Hutchinson’s book, 200 Ways To Love The Body You Have, that you can try. Remember there are probably a number of reasons why food and body image are issues for you. The process of feeling better about yourself may feel like a slow and long one, but definitely well worthrepparttar 130994 journey.

Recommended Readings: 200 Ways To Love The Body You Have, by Marcia Hutchinson. Transforming Body Image: Learning to Loverepparttar 130995 Body You Have, by Marcia Hutchinson When Food is Love, by Geneen Roth. All of Geneen Roth’s books are excellent!

© Kali Munro, 2000. http://www.KaliMunro.com

Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice with twenty years experience. She offers free healing resources at her site, http://www.KaliMunro.com


    <Back to Page 1
 
ImproveHomeLife.com © 2005
Terms of Use