The ability to spew forth jargon like a volcano spews molten lava might impress other marketing people and possibly government employees. But remember, gentle launcher of a new product, it is not other marketing people who will become your customers, and it is not other marketing people who will read your press releases. It is public, great unwashed, who you want to reach with your marketing message. And they won't waste their time trying to figure out marketing material that comes chock full of 'bummph', a term coined by my grandfather, which loosely translated, means 'bull droppings.'

Don't waste my time telling me that you're launching a "remarkable new solution that promotes integrated data management of media content that will realize better return on investment (ROI), and that, in fact GISTICS has evaluated potential ROI to be as high as 16:1. (GISTICS, 1997) with general benefits translating from enterprise to workgroup to individual users, and ultimately represent new revenue streams, a reduction of resource requirements, and less down-time between projects…."

Tell me what dickens it is you are selling, why I might need it, how it'll help me. Say it plainly. Give examples. Lose word "solution", which as become a mean-nothing, over-used term if ever there was one. . Oh, and one last thing. Tell me price. When I stroll through shopping malls, every item on display has a clearly marked price tag. To my untrained eyes, this approach to selling seems to work well, based on numbers of people who load their carts at shopping malls, boutiques and supermarkets. Speaking of supermarkets, did you ever notice items that are displayed for sale beside cash register? How many people would buy that magazine or that package of gum if they had to email away a request for pricing and ordering information and then return two days later when information had arrived? My guess is, sales of Juicy Fruit would go down, down, down.

Before I finish my rant du jour, here's a little quiz to see whether you've been paying attention. Please answer following skill testing question:

Q. I am reading this newsletter because: (pick one)

a. It's an integrated, information distribution solution that enhances my awareness of issues generated by and pertinent to digital technologies. b. It's an integrated solution to entertainment and time management challenges. c. It's got some cool business information and price is right.

If you selected 'c', please rip out this column and mail it to Marketing Person of your choice.

The same thing will happen on my new business cards. Since I'm now known as "The World's First Hypnotic Marketer," I wanted a strange, confusing line on my new card. When someone sees, "Ask me about monkey," and then asks me about monkey, I can simply point out that I practice hypnotic selling and I just got them to do what I wanted.

The Japanese practice this "hypnotic confusion," but probably unknowingly. A friend of mine who flew to Japan reported to me that English phrases on all Japanese products were bizarre. A tube of toothpaste might say, "Green days you not sing." A box of cookies might say, "Wood above fish."

How can you use this secret right now? Don't be afraid to be confusing. People tend to sort out whatever you say anyway and make sense out of it using their own terms. If you are describing your product in great detail, be willing to toss in something odd. It may increase sales.

If not, swirl up!