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Naming and accepting
problem is half battle, for BOTH spouses. Why? Well, when folks are depressed, there is no obvious scientific evidence to prove it. And yet people have an instinctive need to what is causing such pain. The depressed person may project their negative feelings onto those closest to them, i.e. a spouse, a boss, children, neighbors etc. If you're married to a depressed person, at times you may question your own sanity.
You might blame external sources for your spouse's suffering. Without understanding, you might attack your spouse, assuming they do not care or are lazy. What appears to be marital problems, may, in fact, be depression. But certainly marital problems can develop over time when depression goes untreated.
Another important fact to point out is that men and women experience depression differently and each will respond differently when their spouse is depressed. This requires two separate articles just to begin to respectively cover gender issues involved in depression.
Here's what to do. First and foremost, realize that depression is foe, not your spouse. Developing a "we" instead of an "I" approach to depression treatment is vital. A good recovery motto might be best summed up from cartoon, Bob Builder: "Can WE do it? Yes WE can!"
Do everything you can to learn about depression. Seek professional advice. If depression has been present for a long time, both relationship and depression will require attention.
Have individual and marital recovery plans. It's surest way to give depression one-two punch that can knock it out of your lives. Write your recovery plans down and spend time reviewing, modifying and noting progress made.
Once depression is stabilized, create a list of "red flag" symptoms. This serves as your safety net. If these symptoms recur it would indicate that prompt attention is required. Then list solutions you each are willing to act on if you notice symptoms reappearing. Commit to this in writing and each of you sign it.
Create external support systems. Note that I did not say external griping sessions. There's a major difference between griping and purging. The former only feeds righteous resentment, and deepens depression problem overall, and latter helps clean you out.
Support pillars can be comprised of friends, colleagues, churches, support groups and any place you decide is safe to disclose to. Do not hide your dirty laundry in closet, so-to-speak. Depression loves to isolate individuals, marriages and entire families. It's one of primary ways it grows strong.
Do recovery activities together. Attend therapy or psychiatry sessions together. Participate in online counseling together. Read a depression recovery book together. Exercise together, pray together or keep a mood log together. If your children are at appropriate age, educate them about chronic depression. There are good childrens books on chronic parent illness.
Most importantly, develop "WE!" It's you and your spouse against this powerful depression foe. Together you can do this!
Best recovery wishes and always let me know if I can be of any help.
Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW is an author, university faculty member, success coach and veteran psychotherapist whose passion is guiding others to their own success in life. For weekly doses of the webs HOTTEST success tips, sign up for Dave’s powerful “Feeling Great!” ezine at http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
