So, how do you become discerning of who has a loving, caring and compassionate heart? The first step is to focus on developing as much compassion for your own feelings as you have for others. Often, very caring people leave themselves out, caring about others far more than they care about themselves. This leaves them vulnerable to becoming caretaker for someone who just wants someone else to take care of them, and then gets angry when you don’t do it “right.” If you develop compassion for yourself, you will start to feel much more quickly when someone is not really caring about you. If you are just focused on another’s feelings, you won’t notice what you feel, and it is your own feelings that allow you to discern caring from a lack of caring.

The next step is to understand and accept that, no matter how caring you are to others, you have no control over how caring others are with you. You can’t make someone be caring, and more you take care of another’s feelings and well-being while ignoring your own, less caring other will be. The other person becomes a mirror for your lack of caring about yourself.

The more you learn to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings, more another’s lack of caring will be intolerable to you. The more you are able to stay tuned into yourself and trust your own perceptions, quicker you will discern a lack of caring in others. The more you accept your lack of control over getting others to be caring, quicker you will let go of people who are intent on getting caring but not much concerned with giving it.

It really doesn’t take long to discern loving heart once you have compassion for yourself, trust your perceptions, and accept your lack of control over others. People betray their intention to either give love or to get it, or to give to get, with everything they say and do. With practice, you can learn to discern loving heart very early in a relationship. If you want to stop recreating same relationships over and over, then develop your power of discernment.

In career situation, you can’t count on boss caring about how you feel, or being interested in a personal relationship with you, but you do have a right to be treated with respect. You must be attuned to what you’re feeling and stand up for yourself in a professional manner, or find somewhere else to work if you care about your health. And one of first things I caution someone who comes to me for career coaching because they’re dissatisfied with their job, is to get very mindful. Otherwise, it’s likely you’ll end up getting yourself fired to get yourself out of there. It happens all time and there’s a much more gracious way to make your exit.

Emotional Intelligence is all about being mindful. If we experience our emotions and pay attention to them, they can guide us. If we express our emotions appropriately and accurately, we can address a situation before it becomes an issue. If we ignore our emotions, bury them, or fail to listen to their message, we lose a guide and we also a sense of ourselves. It has been said “we are our emotions” because without emotions we would all be alike and all like machines. There would be no reason for choosing one thing over another, no reason for doing one thing rather than another. If we are our emotions, we are also our choices, and our choices often revolve around emotions.

Studying Emotional Intelligence can greatly enrich your life and should be given at least as much attention as your intellectual and academic education. Unfortunately it has been ignored in our formal educations, and its up to us to close gap. Certified Emotional Intelligence coaches can help you assess your EQ and develop it. The benefits will be all yours.