THE MALE SIDE

If you’re a guy, think it over especially carefully. Typically men take longer to process emotions and can take hours to figure out what they were feeling at time, author of “What Could He Be Thinking?” When thought “I can’t stand her crooked teeth” pops into your mind, let it stay right where it is. It could be indigestion.

There’s also that “honor code” thing. You know it’s gotten you in trouble in past. Why do you keep doing it? That’s not smart.

If she asks you if those pants make her butt look fat, tell her she’s beautiful and you love her. That’s not a lie; it’s answering question she’s really asking. You’re big enough to do that, aren’t you, to put her feelings above your logical assessment of what you consider to be a factual matter? You aren’t after all, World Authority on Pants That Make Women’s Butts Look Fat.

THE FEMALE SIDE

If you’re a woman, beat mothering out of yourself and censor your criticisms. He’s not your kid, he’s a grown male. If you have a list of 25 grooming and dressing aids he needs to adopt, and it’s growing, STOP. If there’s that much wrong with him, just leave. If you’re preparing to remake him to fit your mold, I hope he leaves you.

If every encounter involves something he’s said or done wrong, get your boundaries back. Are you a miserable person who’s assuming he’s going to make you happy so he must say exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you want it? Catching him doing it right and reinforcing this behavior works a lot better than nagging.

IS IT ‘GOOD ENOUGH’ OR IS IT OVER?

Finding a partner means dating imperfect people, just like yourself. Be after “good enough,” not “perfect. At no stage in relationship is other person “yours” to redo,

When you know this isn’t person for you, exit gracefully. There’s no reason to leave mass destruction behind when you do. After all, it’s over, so there’s no need to go into a litany of things you found wrong with him, nor, for that matter, things you found right.

If you cared enough about person to get involved with them in first place, there were plenty of things about them you did like. Saying, “I’d still like us to be friends,” doesn’t help. Saying, “But you like to sleep til noon and I like to get up at 6:00 a.m.” doesn’t quite cover it. Airing your list of grievances is like rubbing salt into wound, but at this point, so is airing your list of affirmations.

And, yes, we don’t have to believe or accept what other people say about us, but we don’t have to hear it, either, if you practice discretion.

Remember what you once felt, or your compassion for people in general, and pray for something to say that’s kind and respectful and will preserve dignity of both of you. Then bless relationship, let it go, and leave brutal honesty for brutes.

©Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Susan is the author of “Midlife Dating Survival for Women,” available at http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.

5. His heart’s not on line.

You sense an imbalance of vulnerability, and this is intuitive. When two available people are dating, both presumably are anxious for it to work out, and are equally at-risk. When you’re playing for keeps and he’s just playing, he won’t care as much about how you’re getting along. He has security of marriage and nothing to lose but an exciting good time.

6. There’s a white line on fourth finger of his left hand, a tan-line from where his wedding ring usually is, and is not when he’s with you. Or there’s outline of a ring in his shirt pocket.

7. After an appropriate amount of time he doesn't suggest meeting each other's friends.

8. He gives strange reasons for not wanting to go to certain places (like your favorite restaurant).

You first met him at a dance hall (where he’s known and someone might tell his wife) and after that every place he takes you to is in another county. (There's a part of town he definitely avoids. Guess why?)

9. He pays for restaurants, motels, resorts, and airplane tickets in cash rather than by credit card.

10. He is never available on Sundays. In some cultures, and with many men, Saturday night may be Boys Night Out, but Sunday is strictly “family time.” Ditto for holidays. This is part of that peculiar male honor code: OK to cheat. But not on July 4th. That's family time.

©Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Susan is the author of “Midlife Dating Survival for Women,” available at http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.