The second lesson is how a loss of respect due to financial woes affects one’s attitude toward others. Sherry can always tell when I’m not happy with myself. That’s when I’m unkind to her. I’m same way with customers. In fact, there’s no telling how much business I ran off while I was drowning financially and emotionally. I could easily have lost both my family and my business.

The third lesson I will pass along is that “…there is more satisfaction in rational saving, than in irrational spending.” (P.T. Barnum). As per financial advice I received for turning our circumstances around, Sherry and I began a consistent, well-planned investment, retirement program. That, combined with fact that barbershop is now paid for, is very satisfying. It’s much more satisfying than new, showy things that we don’t need or can’t afford. I’m no longer interested in a big hat. I want cattle!

Lesson number four is to learn from others. Experience (the school of hard knocks) is a great teacher, but not best. That’s because much of its value is lost in time it takes to learn lessons. Time-tested principles are best teachers, and they can be discovered in writings, seminars, counseling and advice from those who have been there.

Yet, it still takes time to learn these things. And, as John Wayne said, “We’re burnin’ daylight.”

BARBER-OSOPHY: Control your money or it will control you.

Copyright 2004, Sumerlin Enterprises.

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Mixed Messages

The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than words alone, emotion is "louder."

Consequently, one of worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed messages and make others feel as if they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything looks okay, so why does it feel so bad and where is danger really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises your hackles.

Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are doing it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have "hateful" feelings when you see yourself as a "nice" person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence, it can be even more difficult.

If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...

Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be "bad." This leads to acute emotional incongruence. What can be so crazy making is you can't feel feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent, you must recognize importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see role fear or anger has played in your life.

In case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old feelings, of which she was unaware, triggered by her interaction with Kevin, who then picked up on uncomfortable residue and put up his defenses. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.