Automation of public nuisance was inevitable. As cities expanded, it was getting harder and harder for public nuisance to be everywhere at once and provide adequate disturbance to entire population.

It was also very inefficient to have individual public nuisances repeating same tasks in each part of town.

And then there was issue of quality control. Who would ensure that all public nuisances were serving community to same standards? Who would ensure accountability and integrity? Some public nuisances have been known to take payola.

"Hey. You. What's that stench?"

"I'm just cracking a few eggs to throw at your house."

"Why at my house? What did I do?"

"Nothing. But you have a fancy house and I figured you would be most willing to provide me an incentive to throw them somewhere else."

"What!? This is extortion!"

"Yes."

"I see. Well, Smithers down road has been way too uppity this week, so here's a little something to go be a his public nuisance tonight."

"Thank you, Sir. It's been a pleasure disturbing you."

I was stumped. I really had no idea how to end this column. "Maybe public nuisance should be a she," I mused

"Why a she?" my wife asked.

"Because people complain if I just assume my characters are "he". The trouble is, whenever I make them "she", somebody wants to know why I'm picking on women."

"They would if you make public nuisance a woman," my wife observed.

"Are you saying women are never nuisances?"

"Everybody knows that you men cause all public disturbances," my wife poked me.

"That's because men get bored you women try on more clothes and more clothes and more clothes. We are just trying to keep things interesting"

"Men have such a short attention span..."

Suddenly I knew how to end column: In our household, we have no need for a public nuisance – automated or manual. We each have our own private nuisance, whom we love very much.

"That's no way to end a column," my private nuisance insisted. "Why not tell them about how you would get rid of public nuisances once and for all?"

"Shhh. Don't tell them. That's next week's column."

I was positively giddy that my fellow passengers were so eager to participate. One of them even wanted to get his hands on my Automated Elevator Hostage Taker, but for public safety reasons I couldn't let it into untrained hands until it had been fully tested in both laboratory and field conditions.

"How did your test drive go?" my wife asked.

I looked up at her from my hospital bed. "I think next prototype will be equipped with life insurance."

Fortunately, I came up with another invention as soon as I recovered. I call it Tailpipe Plug-in. Cars emit most ghastly-smelling fumes. No. Wait. I take that back. Cars emit second-most ghastly-smelling fumes. Diesel buses emit most ghastly-smelling fumes.

But those days will soon be over, as people arm themselves with their personal Tailpipe Plug-ins.

"How does it work?" my wife asked.

"So glad you asked. It uses spidey technology."

"Spidey technology?" she looked puzzled.

"That's right. You know, like Spiderman. Let's say a bus come within a few yards and threatens to belch out yucky black stinky stuff. You just flick your wrist like this..."

SPLAT! BANG! CRASH!

"Oops."

"You knocked over my prize lamp and broke it. And what's this ugly goop splattered all over carpet and wall? Yuck. Get it off," my wife demanded.

"I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?" she raged.

"It's like that expanding foam insulation. No. Wait. It's like very fast-curing expanding foam insulation."

"Well, what do you plan to do about it?" my wife wanted to know.

"I guess I'll have to put on a warning label – Do not use indoors."

Once back in my hospital bed, I realized I had not given right answer.

I still had many inventions left in me. Like Automatic No-parking Sign Dissolver. And Perfumalizer, handy for use in crowded buses where people hold onto bars and posts above their heads. And I can't wait to invent Escalator Fast-forward Button.

But for now, I am way too distracted by very loud TV show my hospital roommate is watching. I sure could use Mitch's TV-B-Gone right about now.