People match and mirror each other all time. Go to a public place where people are interacting. How do we know that couple, sitting across from us in a restaurant, are attracted to each other? They are both leaning toward each other; they are making eye contact; they are crossing their legs. If someone were to carefully observe them, there would be numerous ways their physiology matched or mirrored other. This sends a signal to other person, “I’m with you. We are connecting. I’m like you.” It also sends a signal to those who are observing. Have you ever walked into a room and knew people in room were having an intimate conversation, and you felt like an intruder? You didn’t hear their words, but you knew instinctively that you interrupted something. You were reading their physiology.

Imagine you are talking with someone, he glances at his watch frequently, doesn’t maintain eye contact, and he isn’t matching or mirroring. He is sending a signal. It’s not one of rapport. More than likely, you’ll cut conversation short and let him go about his business.

Some people are masters, consciously or unconsciously, of matching and mirroring other people’s physiology. These people are often social, well liked, and popular. But if they are using this skill to manipulate people, they are probably not very popular and are likely to be seen as a fake or phony. This is a powerful tool when used with integrity, but it can backfire if it is used in negative ways.

THE DETAILS

1. Mirroring creates a deeper connection than matching. Matching is more subtle and easier to do. If you wish to establish a deeper connection, you might consider matching first and then moving toward mirroring. 2. Areas to match and mirror: breathing, posture, blinking, hand movement. You can match and mirror more than one aspect of someone’s physiology. 3. Think specifics. If you match someone’s breathing, ask yourself: where are they breathing? High in chest? In middle? Low? Is their breathing deep, shallow, fast, slow? If you want to practice, try doing this with a baby or child who is upset or being hyper. Match her breathing, when you get into sync for a while begin to slow your breathing. If you are in rapport with child, she will begin to match your breathing. Her breathing will slow, and she will begin to calm down. You have changed her physiology and mood by changing her breathing. Be careful with this one, you might find that parents will begin to call you to babysit. 4. Hand movements are important to watch. If a person you are talking to doesn’t use hand movements, note that and don’t use hand movements. Doing so could break rapport rather than establish it. If someone does use hand movements, match your movements to hers. Be aware of what person you are talking to does with her hands and match as closely as you can. 5. Watch head angles, shoulders, how a person sits. I slouch. One of my best friends sits up very straight. When I’m with him, I notice that I tend to sit up straighter. 6. Blinking is one of most subtle ways of getting into rapport with someone. Most people aren’t aware of their blinking patterns. I’ve tried this with people who blink rapidly, and I find it tiring and distracting. I learned something about myself: I don’t blink a lot.

These are a few suggestions. You’ll discover more as you begin to notice other people’s physiology.

Part two explores using tonality and words to create rapport.

Use your physiology to get you in an enthusiastic mood: sit up straight, smile, and tell yourself you’re excited. Then dial phone.

WORDS

Words may only account for 7% of our communication, but it is an important 7% and complex than other ways of establishing rapport.

When communicating, predicates (verbs), key words, common experiences and associations are vital in establishing rapport. Common experiences and associations are obvious. These areas are often bases of friendships and business associations. It goes without saying that establishing a common bond with a client, lead, or business associate is good business. Be honest when doing this.

Key words sometimes slip by under radar. Begin to listen for key words or phrases that someone repeats. This is a simple way of establishing rapport. Repeat back key words. Slip them naturally into conversation. Again use caution.

Predicates are more complicated. This is going to be abridged version. Most people have preferred verbs that they repeat. This is more important than key words because verbs signal a way of thinking. There are four primary modes of thinking: visual, auditory, kinesthetic (feelings and touch), and audio-digital (self-talk). What this means is that people process information through their preferred mode of thinking. I am audio-digital, so I am in a constant mode of checking things out with myself and talking to myself internally. My son is visual. He thinks in pictures; he sees, visualizes.

VISUAL: Someone who is visual will use words like see, picture, clear, foggy, vision, appear, look, reveal, view.

AUDITORY: Auditory people use words like hear, clear as a bell, that rings true; harmonize, resonate, tune in, tune out.

KINESTHETIC: Kinesthetic people use words like feel, touch, get a handle on, grasp, tap into, hard, concrete, catch on. These people think in terms of feeling and touch.

AUDIO DIGITAL: Audio digital people use words like understand, perceive, think, sense, experience, insensitive. These people do a lot of inner self-talk. They are very linguistically cognitive

This discovery will help you communicate more clearly, using someone’s preferred way of thinking rather than your own. If someone is visual and you are talking to her using audio predicates, it’s likely that she’ll miss your point. Consider how this knowledge could change family dynamics? Or your business environment? Communicating clearly could skyrocket to new levels. As you begin to see and hear how this works, it is easy to come to an understanding of and get a handle on how people connect. Notice that last sentence used all four modes

If someone is audio, you might say, “I hear what you’re saying.” or “If this opportunity rings true for you, then . . .” With someone who is visual, you might say, “I can picture that,” or “If you can see yourself with this product, then . . .” What you are looking for is their way of processing information, and you are using their preferred mode of communicating to communicate clearly with a client, lead, or associate.

I’d suggest practicing one area at a time. Start with matching and mirroring someone’s posture, or expressions, or blinking. Take it slowly. It’s like learning anything: practice creates ease. Then move on to voice and words. You’ll discover that you will become much more observant and more conscious of what you do and what others do. You’ll also become a better communicator.

Always use these strategies with integrity. You can use magic to make connections with others. Do it consciously and with volition. Make win win situations. If you win and if your client or lead wins, you have created magic.

Cora L. Foerstner teaches English and composition at California State Polytechnic University, Pomona. She is also a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programing (NLP), and most recently, a network marketer. You may contact her at mailto:cora@usana.com or visit her web sites at www.unitoday.net/cora and www.whyresidualincome.com/cora.