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(IIb) If You Have Common Children
I described in "The Guilt of
Abused - Pathologizing Victim" how system is biased and titled against victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by victim or by mental health problems of abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication). This shifts responsibility from offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with abuser. So goes orthodoxy. Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive! The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of events, and use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win therapist's sympathy. Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize therapist or disagree with him/her. I make therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with abuser, invalidate abuse experiences, and pathologize victim. (IIc) Refuse All Contact
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do NOT contravene decisions of system. Work from inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn system against you and your interests.
But with exception of minimum mandated by courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with narcissist.
Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
Return all gifts he sends you.
Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to intercom.
Do not talk to him on phone. Hang up minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
Do not answer his letters.
Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
Do not discuss him with your children.
Do not gossip about him.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
