Most people chose a combination of above ways of trying to control. For example, you might be a caretaker in hopes of getting people to love and approve of you, and then you might turn to anger when that doesn’t happen. You might find yourself giving in to what people want to a certain extent, and then retreating or resisting their attempts to control you. You might find yourself being furious at someone’s attempts to control you, but then giving in anyway to avoid his or her upset with you. Or perhaps you are a mellow person until you drink, and then you unleash your rage. Or vice versa – you are nice only when you drink and you are a rageaholic rest of time. Or, on surface you might be a nice and giving person, all while pulling energetically for others’ love, attention, and approval.

All of these behaviors are intended to protect you from some form of pain – pain of rejection, of engulfment, of failure. Most people attempt in numerous ways to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.

Yet it is these very behaviors that, as adults, are causing most of our pain. Anger feels terrible in body, as does compliance. Being stuck in procrastination or withdrawal also feels awful, as does emptiness of staying in your head instead of your heart. All these behaviors result in feeling alone inside, because they are all ways to abandon yourself. Controlling behavior is not loving to yourself or to others.

We’ve all heard that you can’t love others until you love yourself, and this is very true. Loving yourself means that your focus is on what is truly in your highest good – what fills your heart with peace and joy and a deep sense of integrity and self worth. Loving yourself means that you are asking throughout day, “What is in my highest good in this moment?” It is never in your highest good to try to control others or use them to fill your own emptiness. Nor is it in your highest good to harm yourself or others in any way.

Try practicing throughout day asking this question, “What is in my highest good right now?” Answers will come to you, and then you can take loving action. This one shift in your thinking can change your life!

Try to create a louder, more persuasive voice that helps you identify an equally believable, more optimistic viewpoint.

Step 2: Regulate your emotions. There are many ways to regulate your emotions and feelings in your life, including being your own best friend, eating well, exercising, playing, listening to uplifting music, getting in touch with a spiritual system, and creating emotional connections with others by sincere listening.

Step 3: Try alternative behaviors. Behaving differently is one of most effective ways to show response flexibility and get different results in your life.

But, doing things differently is not easy! We are all creatures of habit and we tend to continue behaving in comfortable and familiar ways.

One of challenges in behaving differently is, of course, coming up with ideas on how else we can behave differently in various situations.

Start by understanding that much of our behavior is determined by a feeling or emotion we are having—or we wish to have. But a specific behavior does not HAVE to be connected with that feeling.

Try alternative behaviors when you get those angry feelings by asking yourself, “What are some other ways I can deal with this situation?”

Often they include behaviors like taking a brisk walk, assertively communicating with your family member, taking a timeout, picking your battles, or listening to soothing music.

Ask yourself: What are some other ways I can deal with this situation?

Respond vs. react: The difference between “react” and “respond” is “automatic reflex” versus a “thoughtful, reflective response” that considers different ways of dealing with a situation. A reaction is a kneejerk, automatic action. A response, however, is dealing with a situation by considering options and likely outcomes, then choosing best.