Once you accept your helplessness over others, then lots of energy is released to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of yourself being selfish, taking care of your own feelings and needs is what personal responsibility is all about. As long as you make others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you will try to control how others treat you and feel about you. As soon as you take responsibility for defining your own worth and lovability and taking care of your own feelings and needs, you move out of being a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness over others. This is often difficult, because as infants, if we were helpless over getting someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness over getting others to take care of our needs. We became deeply terrified of feeling of helplessness and learned to do anything we could to avoid that feeling and that situation.

The problem is that we do not realize that today we are no longer helpless over ourselves as we were as infants. We will not die of someone doesn't attend to us. We can feed ourselves and call a friend for help if we need it. Yet many people still react to feeling of helplessness over others as if it were a life and death situation. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, including controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How often have you found yourself grazing in front of refrigerator, turning on TV, grabbing a cigarette without even realizing you were doing it? Often, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and needs.

The first step in moving beyond controlling and addictive behavior is to be willing to become aware of feeling of helplessness. Once you are aware of what it feels like in your body, embrace feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you bring love to feeling of helplessness within you rather than avoiding it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will discover that it isn't as bad as you thought. If you are willing to open to love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to part of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded part that just wants to be loved begins to get healed. The more you practice embracing helplessness rather than avoiding it, more you will move out of being a victim and into your personal power and ability to love yourself and others.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com

Neither Kurt nor Jamie want to hurt each other. Unfortunately, they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each other’s. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them safe and eliminates need to effectively communicate their fear. Fear is what motivates their intention to control and in face of fear, their love dissipates.

Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they gave that job to each other. Imagine that your feelings are a child within. Imagine what would happen if you had an actual child that you kept trying to give to others to take care of. That child would feel scared and insecure most of time. Yet that is exactly what happens when we make others responsible for our feelings - our child within feels scared, insecure, angry, depressed, and anxious. It is only when we take responsibility for our own feelings, which we can do through intent to learn, that we will feel secure enough to give up need to control and resist control.

It would be easy to blame Jamie for their problems - if only she didn’t get so needy and angry, everything would be fine. It’s just as easy to blame Kurt - if only he was more attentive and caring. Yet until both Jamie and Kurt are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each other is more important than controlling or not being controlled, their conflicts will continue.

The act of taking responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault. Each person taking full responsibility eliminates need to be right and that is an essential step to a mature and reasonable outcome. What if Jamie had started with, "Kurt, I love celebrating our anniversary and you hate it. Can we talk about what would work for both of us?" They could have more easily resolved issue. And what if Kurt had responded to Jamie’s initial controlling statements with caring and openness instead of resistance, such as, "Honey, you know I don’t like celebrations, so please don’t expect me to plan something. Let’s talk about how we can make it work for both of us." Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted.

Each of us has choice to begin to notice our intention. If each of us changed our intention from controlling to loving, and learned to take responsibility for our own feelings, we would each be participating in healing our relationships and thereby healing our planet.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto: margaret@innerbonding.com