When father went to use restroom, his son looked at me and said, "I just had no idea he was so frail."

This scenario is a common experience that occurs as seasons change in lives of those we love. The son always saw his dad as strong father figure of years ago. After a bit of probing, some of my questions revealed signs he hadn’t seen. He admitted that his Dad had lost some weight recently, and told me that on their last visit he noticed a few 'Meals on Wheels" boxes sitting in refrigerator, unopened. It was difficult for this loving son to acknowledge that his father had aged and needed assistance with daily tasks. A tear came to son's eyes as he realized he had been in denial, and that he wasn’t helping his father in right way.

If you are wondering whether or not this experience could be yours, ask yourself following questions, and you may quickly find answer.

•Is your parent telling you that he is eating, but you’re seeing food go bad in refrigerator?

•Is s/he covering up bruises from falling that s/he doesn’t want you to see?

•Have you seen your parent wearing same clothes when you go to visit?

•Does s/he hear strange noises in night?

•When you look around house or yard, is it as neat and clean as it used to be?

•Is your parent able to take medications correctly?

•Does your parent respond appropriately to an emergency?

When you really look at your parent, do you see bright and vibrant person from years ago, or do you really see a more limited person who needs some help one hour a day, three hours a day, or around clock?

As children, it is important to recognize when our parents need help. We have a responsibility to see that they are properly cared for, comfortable, and secure. So I ask you once again, . . . have your really looked at your parent lately?

Compounding grief is that patients who have reached an advanced stage of Alzheimer’s often lose awareness of recent experiences and surroundings, and may even lose recognition of their caregiver and other loved ones. Because of this, patient will probably be confused by move and unaware of suffering of child or spouse responsible for placing them in assisted living. Like I did, people begin to cry at times. Depression and anxiety, caused by guilt, sometimes become acute.

But there are a number of things that one can do to diminish feelings of guilt. In my case, besides visiting my mother every day, I always make sure that she has fresh flowers in her room. When she was able to, she spent a lot of time in her garden, and flowers help her to experience a bit of garden all time.

On Sundays, I spend day with my mother in my home, picking her up early in morning and taking her back to her assisted living facility in evening. I try never to miss a week.

Beyond that, it helps to remind oneself of advantages that an assisted living facility affords. Working in community where my mother resides provides me with some added insight into those advantages, for which I am grateful. Besides obvious – physical aspect of care – there is always-important social aspect of continuing care communities. My mother, even before entering facility, was very antisocial, and I even made a friendly bet with staff that they would not be able to get her out of her room. For three and a half years I was winning that bet, but six months ago, after much persistence on staff’s part, they finally got her to participate in events.

One day recently, while I was with my mother, she took out a quarter from a drawer in her room. Though Parkinson’s makes it difficult for her to speak, she managed to say, “cards” – my mother had won quarter playing cards. She never used to play cards.

Despite moments like these, which remind me of all that an assisted living facility offers that I alone could not, guilt and grief never entirely go away. But I know my decision was right one, and I know that I am not alone in feeling involuntary pangs of guilt. My hope is that others in my position share these same realizations.