Break-ups: How To Survive Them

Written by Kali Munro, M.Ed.


Continued from page 1

During this phase many people operate as ifrepparttar relationship is still on even as they grieverepparttar 126259 loss. For example, even though you may be really upset, you may not have fully accepted thatrepparttar 126260 relationship is over. Deep down you may be waiting for her/him to come back. (People do this even after a death, it's normal.) This period of disbelief or shock isrepparttar 126261 body's natural protection against pain.

You may try to get back together even when you know it's over. You may go over and over in your mind and with everyone you talk to what you think led torepparttar 126262 break up or what might have made a difference and resulted in a different outcome. This isrepparttar 126263 "if only" stage - "if only I had...or, if only I hadn't..." we might still be together. If you are doing this, you are likely trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand and take it in, and trying to change it too. It's hard to take in that a break up is permanent. You'll need time to fully absorb this reality.

At this stage, you may have trouble remembering things, focusing, and feeling a sense of purpose or direction in their lives - you may feel as though you are drifting throughrepparttar 126264 day. This is a natural initial reaction to loss.

The Second Stage of Grief

The second stage involves feeling fear, anger and depression. This stage often lastsrepparttar 126265 longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger, and feelings of depression. Some people don't allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. Both are essential - feeling and eventually letting go.

Some people worry that if they let themselves feel that they'll be overcome with emotion and never come out of it - they'll drown in their feelings and not be able to function. Others feel their feelings but can't seem to let go of them even after a lot of time has passed. Either way, it's important to give yourself permission to feel and at some point to let go so that you can move on.

Inrepparttar 126266 beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won't. Your feelings will pass. You'll discover thatrepparttar 126267 time between down periods increases. Too often with break-ups we don't feel that we haverepparttar 126268 right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks whenrepparttar 126269 truth is it usually takes longer. I have found that grief tends to run a cycle of at least one year unless of courserepparttar 126270 relationship wasn't very important, was short-term, or you were grieving before you actually left her/him. But, if you spent a number of years together, andrepparttar 126271 person was important to you, even if you'rerepparttar 126272 one doingrepparttar 126273 breaking up you can still be grieving for approximately one year. Of course with very long term relationships, it can take even longer to feel back on your feet but it is still possible to recover.

The Third Stage of Grief

This isrepparttar 126274 stage where you begin to accept thatrepparttar 126275 relationship is over, and that you're going to be okay. You realize that you haven't thought about your ex-partner in awhile, and that without realizing it you are moving on. You've gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you.

Sometimesrepparttar 126276 process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is okay and perfectly normal, afterall you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may needrepparttar 126277 comfort of what you were feeling before. Try not to be hard on yourself, change is not a linear path. It's full of up's and down's. It's okay to feel good and then feel hurt and angry again, especially if you see her/him inrepparttar 126278 community or dating someone else.

Inrepparttar 126279 acceptance stage, you've done a lot of thinking aboutrepparttar 126280 relationship andrepparttar 126281 break-up and you realize things that you hadn't before. You understand yourself better, and you aren't as angry or hurt. You find yourself laughing more, and feeling hopeful. You begin to notice that you're feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try.

Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk - each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect. Grief comes in waves - up and down.

Sometimes letting go just happens after you've let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful. Interrupting yourself when you get stuck thinking or talking about her/him and redirecting your focus onto something else is all part of letting go.

Filling your life with activities that you enjoy - creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities - are all ways to nurture yourself back to health.

Breaking-up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and inrepparttar 126282 meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.

Kali Munro, 2001

Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice with twenty years experience. She offers free healing resources at her site, KaliMunro.com


PRACTICAL STEPS TO ENCHANTMENT - Part 1

Written by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein


Continued from page 1

Rather than feelingrepparttar depression that she expected, she found herself quickly able to return to many of her artistic areas of endeavors. She started to make handmade clothing and to work with other artists. Tess said it best when she commented, "I was able to tune into my younger self." Interestingly enough, she soon found a mate much more suited to her in temperament, a man who appreciated her artistic as well as practical side.

Tess is a good example of someone who had to make a decision in terms of meeting her needs in a relationship. Freeing herself from a man who did not have enough regard for her to work on her relationship allowed her to once again actualize her own enchantment.

We can come to enchantment only as we spend more and more of our time doing what suits us, either in both our personal and professional lives. Sometimes this is hard, as we struggle with other issues such as whether we 'deserve' to do what feels good. Sometimes it is easy to build in more time that really works for us as we thrive and see thatrepparttar 126258 better it feels,repparttar 126259 better we are at living and 'being'.

I can't promise you which road you will travel to achieve more states of well-being, to feel more whole, to feel more filled with positive purpose, but I can promise you that it is definitelyrepparttar 126260 road to travel! Come back next week for more examples of recognizing what works for us as I share more vignettes with you.

Dr. Holstein is the originator of The Enchanted Self and a psychologist since 1981. She is the author of two books: The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy and Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! Dr. Holstein speaks on radio, and appears on television in NY and NJ. She gives lectures, seminars, retreats and audio interviews on LadybugLive.com and is in private practice in Long Branch, NJ with her husband, Dr. Russell Holstein.


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