Deborah was not doing well in school and there were so many options available to help her succeed. Again, she was not receptive to anyone’s help and out- patient counseling was not effective. I was constantly fighting urge to push my knowledge and ideas on her. Because, after all, “mother knows best”. Instead I tried to be subtle with her – then I would retreat to my bedroom and cry. I struggled between elation – when she was in a good mood, anger - when she wouldn’t speak to me, and hate – when she was swearing at me.

I continued to network and educate myself, remembering to do it for myself and not push it on my daughter. I tried to take care of myself and to not give up my whole life because of this illness. I slowly recognized positive things about this situation. Like, how it caused me to reprioritize my life and take a stand for what I believed in. I did a lot of soul searching and made some personal decisions that I had been putting off. All of this placed me way outside of my comfort zone and it wasn’t a good feeling. But, like life itself, it’s a process. It’s personal growth.

I actually must thank Lord for this whole situation because it has helped me in so many ways. Things are so much clearer to me now and my path is much more obvious. I am not one with illness but I am going through a personal growth so astounding that I wouldn’t trade experience for anything in world. My heart aches for Deborah and each tear I cry represents my love for her. I would like to share my experience with her, make her aware of how I feel and what I’m going through. However, she’s not ready to hear it. I would love to see her go through a similar growth. Maybe she is, in her own way. Or maybe she’ll look back years from now and realize that she gained something from all this. I know my life will be painful for awhile but I will continue to survive. I pray that all pain will be worth gain.

© 2001 By Monique Rider

I have little problem in seeing a man in a skirt. As a columnist for my school's paper pointed out, logistically, it makes more sense for men to wear freer skirts, and let woman wear pants, so to speak. However, if we start wanting men in lingerie, we have to ask ourselves, what next? Tummy tucking pantyhose?

Perhaps this is because I've never had a relationship where I would was in position of trying to make myself sexually appealing, or wanting other person to oblige me. Still, maybe if I was, I could see it. I did find Kevin Costner hot as Robin Hood, in those cute little green leggings....

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