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Then she drew a picture and showed it to us. "If something is bothering you, draw a picture of a sad face and give it to me. Mommy will never ignore it. This is our secret code and I will be there to help you."
We were a demanding bunch, and I'm sure it wasn't easy for my Mom. Sometimes that note would arrive right in
middle of her making dinner, or while she was on phone or when she finally sat down to watch TV. But she would always take that child with sad-faced picture aside. Many times, she would have to coax problem out of us by asking a series of questions, but we always felt better afterward.
As we got older, this little plan kept doors of communication wide open. In those difficult, embarrassing moments of childhood, Mom was always true to her word. Whenever she received a note, everything would stop and writer would receive her private and undivided attention.
Interesting though, were far-reaching benefits of this little plan. You see, by giving us this additional means to be heard, we were taught that our concerns, problems and opinions were valid and important. We learned how to express our feelings and we knew luxury of having someone there to listen. But we also became responsible individuals and learned valuable lessons in honesty and accountability. Our Mom showed us how to keep a promise. And as a family, we faced our problems together and head on.
Although idea was simple, it was also powerful. This very wise, sensitive, nurturing woman empowered her young children with right to be heard and gift of confidence. Today I use this concept in my own family and in my work as well.
As advocates for children's rights, my husband and I speak about consequences of bullying. The best defense against a bully is to tell an adult, but we are well aware that this is a difficult task for some children. Even when a child is otherwise vocal, discussing harassment at hands of a peer can be painful, embarrassing, or scary. We take great care to explain that unless a child makes their concerns known, adults can't help. We explain that sometimes adults don't pay attention, but this doesn't mean they don't care. We encourage children not to give up and tell them to reach out to an adult by writing a note or drawing a picture.
Someday, if a child hands you a note, we hope that even if you weren't raised with a secret family code for "please listen to me," you will stop what you are doing and focus on voice of child before you.
RESOURCE BOX
Patricia Gatto and John De Angelis are the authors of MILTON'S DILEMMA, the tale of a lonely boy’s magical journey to friendship and self-acceptance. As advocates for literacy and children's rights, the authors speak at schools and community events to foster awareness and provide children with a safe and healthy learning environment. For more information, please visit Joyful Productions at http://www.joyfulproductions.com
