Beginning to Reclaim My ENCHANTED SELF - Part 2

Written by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein


Continued from page 1
this time, my clients and I shared our competencies. They even paced their subject matter to my recovery level. Usually this was done without explanation. I accepted their pacing as one ofrepparttar beautiful gifts they were able to offer me. As I grew stronger, their problems reemerged in ways that was able to cope with. They re-parented me into recovery as I had attempted to re-parent them before my sudden surgery. From women clients came gifts and cards andrepparttar 126255 presentation of beautiful sweets. All were accepted with joy and fromrepparttar 126256 heart. I made no attempt to interpret them, which I thought would have been demeaning because these tokens came out of mutual caring. To have tried to interpret this material as transferential would have been a diminishment of our humanity. If need be, I could always use this material again, anyway. And if some transferential material never reemerged, what a small price to pay, to give so many of my clients an opportunity to show their competencies and caring. Most were able, with grace, to rely on their own capacities while still being aware that they were staying in treatment not to have tea with me but to further heal and grow. In helping me heal, I believe they felt empowered.

Dr. Holstein is the originator of The Enchanted Self and a psychologist since 1981. She is the author of two books: The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy and Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! Dr. Holstein speaks on radio, and appears on television in NY and NJ. She gives lectures, seminars, retreats and audio interviews on LadybugLive.com and is in private practice in Long Branch, NJ with her husband, Dr. Russell Holstein.


Relationship Guide - Bringing Out The Best in Your Relationship

Written by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist


Continued from page 1

8. Give understanding. Just as you deserve understanding and support, your partner does, too, and it does help to feel understood. Try to seerepparttar situation from her/his perspective, especially when you are in conflict.

9. Acknowledge your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with someone to acknowledge and understand how they feel.

10. Give your partner lots of appreciation. Let your partner know how much you love her/him and why.

11. Accept your partnerrepparttar 126254 way she/he is. This doesn't mean that you don't ask her/him for behavioural changes, or that you accept, for example, being yelled at. It just means that you accept your partner as a person, and believe in her/his good intentions. Contrary to popular belief, really accepting someone brings outrepparttar 126255 best in them.

12. Don't make sweeping generalizations. No matter how tempting, try not to make sweeping generalizations like "You never...," "You are always...," "You are such a...." Besidesrepparttar 126256 fact that they are not true (no one doesrepparttar 126257 same thing allrepparttar 126258 time, in every situation), they are hurtful statements that leave people feeling bad about themselves, and can feed into a lack of motivation for change. "If I never do anything right, why bother?"

13. Have complaint sessions. Sometimes couples build up resentments that need airing. It can help to have a "complaint session." One person starts by saying allrepparttar 126259 things that are bothering her/him, while their partner listens and encourages them to continue by saying, "what else?" Sometimes by delving deeper,repparttar 126260 one who is complaining realizes that there's more torepparttar 126261 complaints than what s/he originally thought. The one complaining may start out angry but often will soften, and become more aware of what is really bothering her/him, and what s/he needs. The listener's job is to listen, without comment, and to try not to take it personally. What you are hearing is an indication of how frustrated or angry your partner is right now. Keep in mind that it's not all about you, even if most ofrepparttar 126262 anger is being directed at you. You can switch roles whenrepparttar 126263 first person is done, or at a later time.

14. Take time out. When a conflict is not going anywhere, it can help to take some time away from your partner. Couples usually make up rules about time out, such as don't leaverepparttar 126264 house, and having a set amount of time forrepparttar 126265 time out, like 30 minutes, before checking back in with each other about whether or not they can continuerepparttar 126266 discussion. In cars, time out can just mean that no one talks for a set amount of time. Either partner can call time out, and it should mean immediate silence for an agreed-upon time. It is always better to haverepparttar 126267 amount of time set prior to an argument, or you will argue about that! Some couples don't set a specific amount of time, but remain silent for a while, and when they have calmed down enough to feel compassion, they check in with each other about their mutual readiness to continuerepparttar 126268 conversation or to let it go for now.

15. Listen carefully. If your partner is trying to tell you something and you don't understand, listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, check out what you think they are saying, and keep trying to understand. Many arguments arise from our not really listening to each other, or assuming that we know whatrepparttar 126269 other person is saying without checking it out first. It is always best to check that you understoodrepparttar 126270 other person correctly.

Of course, you won't be able to follow these guidelines one hundred percent ofrepparttar 126271 time, and that's okay; no one can. But if you want your relationship to be based on respect, compassion, and clear communication, it's a good idea to try to follow these guidelines or others that work for you, as much as possible.

Kali Munro, 2000. http://www.KaliMunro.com

Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice with twenty years experience. She offers free healing resources at her web site, http://www.KaliMunro.com


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