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4. Hold off on organizing a “Backyard Blue-Movie Night”, (unless you’re ready to provide oodles of finger foods, fizzy drinks, and fashion eye-wear for Freedom-Fifty-Five Club members).
5. Refrain from erecting pretentious potties, outrageous outhouses, or loud latrines to experience that “happy camper” feeling of days gone by, (unless you also want to provide your high-and-mighty neighbors with clothes pegs for their noses).
6. Exercise caution in conducting “controlled barbecue burning”, (unless of course you have a comprehensive insurance policy that covers carcinogenic-cooking incidents).
7. Forget about mulching and manure spreading to improve
productivity of your carnivorous plants, (you already have one too many Venus Flytraps as it is).
8. Steer clear of pools, ponds, and pinking shears (you haven’t learned to walk on water yet and Green Thumb pruning is not exactly your forte unless “limbless” is in this year).
9. "Creative Taxidermy" has its place, (but erotic garden ornaments of titillating trolls, pleasant pixies, and feisty frogs is probably not such a great idea in your neck of woods).
10. Dodge notion of building a backyard bunker to escape bothersome bugs (be they pesky pets, petulant people, or plague-challenged pests… just tell everyone and everything you don’t like to “Buzz Off” or you’ll be obliged to call in folks from RAID).
So now that you’ve got TOP TEN DON’TS …get cracking on what you can do with your boring backyard. After all, anything is better than living another day with that egads eyesore! And before breaking out booze to celebrate your fun-loving fantasyland, BEWARE OF BACKYARD BOZOS - BUNGLING IS AS BUNGLING DOES.
