Written by Aphrodite Beamish

Continued from page 1

4. Hold off on organizing a “Backyard Blue-Movie Night”, (unless you’re ready to provide oodles of finger foods, fizzy drinks, and fashion eye-wear for Freedom-Fifty-Five Club members).

5. Refrain from erecting pretentious potties, outrageous outhouses, or loud latrines to experience that “happy camper” feeling of days gone by, (unless you also want to provide your high-and-mighty neighbors with clothes pegs for their noses).

6. Exercise caution in conducting “controlled barbecue burning”, (unless of course you have a comprehensive insurance policy that covers carcinogenic-cooking incidents).

7. Forget about mulching and manure spreading to improverepparttar productivity of your carnivorous plants, (you already have one too many Venus Flytraps as it is).

8. Steer clear of pools, ponds, and pinking shears (you haven’t learned to walk on water yet and Green Thumb pruning is not exactly your forte unless “limbless” is in this year).

9. "Creative Taxidermy" has its place, (but erotic garden ornaments of titillating trolls, pleasant pixies, and feisty frogs is probably not such a great idea in your neck ofrepparttar 151034 woods).

10. Dodgerepparttar 151035 notion of building a backyard bunker to escaperepparttar 151036 bothersome bugs (be they pesky pets, petulant people, or plague-challenged pests… just tell everyone and everything you don’t like to “Buzz Off” or you’ll be obliged to call inrepparttar 151037 folks from RAID).

So now that you’ve gotrepparttar 151038 TOP TEN DON’TS …get cracking on what you can do with your boring backyard. After all, anything is better than living another day with that egads eyesore! And before breaking outrepparttar 151039 booze to celebrate your fun-loving fantasyland, BEWARE OF BACKYARD BOZOS - BUNGLING IS AS BUNGLING DOES.

Aphrodite Beamish can be found lost in her own flights of fancy along with some other strange folk at the Court of the Quipping Queen

A tale of the hunt

Written by Gregory J. Ballan

Continued from page 1
"Dude, they're cops!" I whispered in a panic. Before I could say or do anything else, a voice ordered us to drop our weapons. "What weapon?" I shouted suddenly realizing that I was holding a 28 inch razor sharp machete. Realization spawned panic and panic spawned fear. I droppedrepparttar machete as did Brian. We were ordered to approach slowly with our hands up. As we got closer I realized that two ofrepparttar 150734 six police officers had guns pointing at us. Thankfully I had relieved myself a few times inrepparttar 150735 woods and it saved merepparttar 150736 embarrassment of losingrepparttar 150737 entire contents of my bladder right there onrepparttar 150738 spot. I glanced up at Brian, and he seemed totally oblivious to our dire predicament. He was trying to engagerepparttar 150739 police in conversation and that's when it happened. He reached inside his camo jacket forrepparttar 150740 note from Virgina Huneywell. Everything moved in slow motion at that point and I prepared my body to be violated with burning slugs of lead. I flinched and closed my eyes and awaitedrepparttar 150741 inevitable whilerepparttar 150742 cops were screaming and yelling. The next thing I remember was one of these fine police officers introducing me, face first, torepparttar 150743 hood of my truck. I was stripped of my stand and hunting pack and told not to move. Barney Fife started rummaging through my pack like he was expecting to find drugs or God only knows what sort of illegal contraban. He shouted something an pulled out a glass vial. "Oh Shit" I whispered. "Don't open that!" I advised more strongly than I should have. Barney deliberately ignored me, openedrepparttar 150744 container and took a big sniff... of Doe piss. He swore and gagged as he droppedrepparttar 150745 glass container onrepparttar 150746 pavement shattering it and spilling much ofrepparttar 150747 contents on his pants and shoes. There wentrepparttar 150748 $25.00 I paid for this special Doe in Estrous pee fresh fromrepparttar 150749 doe farm. I swear I tried not to laugh, butrepparttar 150750 other cops were laughing and I couldn't help myself. Barney came across another spray bottle and studied it. He looked at me as if awaiting an explanation. "Mock Skunk gland extract" I announced. "It's a potent scent mask, just a tiny spray covers and masks human odor during a stalk." ($14,95 from Gander Mountain in Appleton WI) Barney rolled his eyes and tookrepparttar 150751 plastic top ofrepparttar 150752 sprayer. "Sir, please, it's really.." Too late! PSSSSTT!! Barney let loose a full shot and had all of us gagging. Brian was having better luck than I was, andrepparttar 150753 police officer he was talking to was too busy laughing his ass off as he studiedrepparttar 150754 letter that I was convinced would have killed us both. "They're harmless Mike; give 'im back his stuff before you make more wonderful smells everywhere." Mike tossed my pac at me and I caught it, grateful for being allowed up offrepparttar 150755 hood. The other officer informed us ofrepparttar 150756 calls that had inundated bothrepparttar 150757 Natick and Wellesley police stations about two crazy knife wielding maniacs running amok inrepparttar 150758 night. The Officers claimed that each call was more panicky and exaggerated thanrepparttar 150759 prior and that they had no choice but to assume thatrepparttar 150760 threat was real. After they ran our ID's , ranrepparttar 150761 plates of my vehicle, we all shared a good laugh as they recalledrepparttar 150762 look on my face when Brian went for his note. I confessed that I was convinced we were dead and they all laughed again. Everyone but Mike, he still smelt like Doe Pee. I told himrepparttar 150763 stuff washes out but he didn't seem to amused. We quickly departed and headed back to Brian’s house. Between getting lost and being detained, I was long past due going home. I debated about telling Mrs. Esper this tale of woe. She's often observed that whenever I go off with Brian to do stuff, bad things always seem to happen, likerepparttar 150764 time we went Turkey Hunting and were being hunted ourselves.... But, that's still another story for another time.

Be well all, and I hope you had a good chuckle


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