And This Unto YouWritten by Abigail Dotson
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as was custom in early seventies among women who had previous caesarean deliveries. My parents picked my birthday and planned accordingly. Their elder child was well taken care of; bags were packed and ready for weeklong hospital stay; house locked and pet sitters arranged. My mother was prepped for surgery and wheeled into an operating room. Conscious but sluggish, she held my father’s hand as men in green scrubs set about their work. My mother’s body was sliced open to reveal a sleeping infant, jarred awake to bright lights and cold hands of ob ward. Their baby was whisked away to be cut and cleaned and wrapped in a blanket, then stored in nursery with all other luggage. This was in direct contrast to their plan of holding a wriggling and greasy newborn before cord was even severed, but beyond their control. Despite protestations, I was transferred immediately to nursery where I commenced to demonstrate my clearly healthy lungs with screams that began moment I was born and lasted for days, until I was finally reunited with my mother. There is a silver lining to story of my birth, and that is story of Ruby Jane’s birth. My mother gave birth four times before I felt my first contraction, and each time was a lesson to me. So this becomes story of two births, a story to say how one birth grows out of another. For a quarter century I had heard my mother tell story of my birth, cold and surgical. I had listened to her recount my days in nursery, her heroic attempts to drag her broken body across maternity ward and lift me from my screams. I ache to think of a mother so far from her baby. I do not remember, but I feel it in my gut. And in collective consciousness that is me and my mother, I learned to help my baby into this world with kindness and warmth.
Abigail Is 29 years old and lives in Southern California with her daughter Ruby Jane. Her writing has appeared in Loving Mama: Essays on Natural Childbirth and Parenting, on Mothering magazine's website and also in the periodical Growing Up In Santa Cruz.
| | Unilateral Disarmament - The First Step to Improving Communications with Your TeenagersWritten by V. Michael Santoro, M. Ed.
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Stress that improved communications is a “two way street” and you are going to do your part to make things better. Then add that you also expect her to do her part, as it will take both your efforts to improve communications.
What to do
Remember to have a “thick skin” and thank her for her feedback when she provides it – even if you are angry. The best way to change this reactionary behavior is to try and think before you react, and talk more constructively to your teenager. Think of how you would have to react at work if a subordinate or coworker did something to upset you. As angry as you might be, you would strive to act professional because your job depended on it. If you do react and your daughter brings it to your attention, thank her and then discuss issue more constructively because your relationship depends on it.
You also need to set guidelines with your teen, instead of making rigid rules that will alienate her and create a vicious cycle of poor communicating and hard feelings.
Unilateral disarmament is first step in demonstrating to your teen that you are serious about improving communications with her. When you lead by example, you are establishing foundation and setting your expectations. This works better that a “do as I say, not as I do!” reactionary approach which causes your teen to be more rebellious.
Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All Rights Reserved.
This article is an excerpt from book "Realizing Power of Love," How a father and teenage daughter became best friends...and you can too, coauthored by V. Michael Santoro and his teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information visit their Web site: http://www.dadsdaughters.com/
V. Michael Santoro M. Ed. has ten years of experience as an educator. He is also cerified in Training and Development with over eighteen years on international industry experience. He coauthored, "Realizing the Power of Love," How a father and teenage daughter became best friends...and how you can too, with his teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information, visit their Web site at http://www.dads.daughters.com
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