5. Avoidance: Deal with it by refusal to encounter situations because they represent ^unconscious sexual or aggressive impulses^. VA: Well, that would be Valentine's Day. You could cancel your own personal one.

6. Compensation: Encountering failure in one sphere of activity (like love life?), you over-emphasize another. VA: Let's do a clean-the-house marathon, or workout for 5 hours after work Friday. 7. Self-assertion: Expressing feelings and thoughts directly, non-manipulatively. VA: Go for it! Ask that cute new HR director out.

8. Sublimation: Attenuating force of an ^instinctual drive^ by using energy in other, constructive activities. VA: So, we work late Valentine's Day, finishing up a primo project, or go home and write poetry or paint. Good idea?

9. Intellectualization: Deal with it by excessive use of abstract thinking or making generalizations to minimize disturbing feelings. VA: We could talk about how nearly half other adults in US are also single, and it ain't so bad. Anyway it's not bothering ME. How about that?

LET'S AVOID THESE ONES:

1. Conversion: Turn it into a physical symptom "involving portions of body innervated by sensory or motor nerves." VA: No getting of paralyzed arms because you'd really like to sock your ex.

2. Deflection: Redirecting attention to someone else. VA: Don't need to talk about "Loser-boy Tom." We can deal with our own stuff!

3. Identification: Unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person. VA: Sandra's got a great husband and she's going to Quebec for Valentine's weekend, but that doesn't mean we have to dress and talk like her all week without ^being aware of it^.

4. Displacement: Change in object by which ^instinctual drive^ is to be satisfied. VA: Having been abandoned by your boyfriend, resist all urges to vent your anger on your room-mate! Keep your people and your emotions straight, ok? (EQ course available--www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm.)

5. Help-Rejecting Complaining: Requesting help and then rejecting it. VA: (I think that's whining, and playing victim, don't you?)

6. Acting Out: Dealing with it by actions rather than reflections of feelings. VA: Don't get crabby and kick dog, or go out and get drunk.

7. Projection: Attributing one's thoughts or impulses to another person. VA: No, your mother isn't mad at YOU, YOU'RE mad at your GIRLFRIEND. Keeping people and feelings straight again.

8. Regression: Suffering loss of some of development already attained and reverting to lower level of adaptation and expression. VA: None of that!

9. Autistic Fantasy: Deal with it by excessive daydreaming as a substitute for human relationships, more effective action, or problem solving. VA: This is why we all hate Freud!!

P.S. Work in an office? Send yourself flowers. Like half those other girls aren't doing that?

©Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, offers coaching and Internet courses for your personal and professional development. www.susandunn.cc and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Give yourself what you've always wanted--a coach! Valentine's gift certificates available.

Studies show that telling “war stories” stresses our bodies just as if thing were happening again right now. Our brains don’t know difference between real and imagined, past or present. The heart pounds, blood pressure goes up … you know this. Pay attention to it! Learn to say “Don’t get me started,” and then refuse to do it.

We can’t help having it, but what are we to do?

Increase your emotional intelligence, learn meditation, exercise, breathe, learn optimism, have a pet, get rid of negative people in your life, learn to self-soothe. The answers are simple, and not easy, but learning to manage your anger can be a matter of life and death.