Can you completely relax with this person? If so, there is deep trust, foundation of lasting relationships.

Has your health deteriorated since dating them? If so, and there’s no obvious physical cause, move on. Tricky because dating raises stress levels, which affect our immune system, which IS our health. Give it time. There’s EUstress and there’s DIStress. Know difference. Work with a certified EQ coach.

6. ZEN: “We do not want churches because they will teach us to quarrel about God.” Chief Joseph EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

When there are disagreements, figure out what you’re really arguing about. If it’s just semantics, it’s just semantics.

It was in vogue, for instance, in Renaissance to debate how many angels would fit on head of a pin. This is hardly likely to play itself out in how person lives their life. It’s an intellectual exercise.

7. ZEN: “A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes hand bleed that uses it.” Rabindranath Tagore EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated self. The interface between intellect and emotions.

Someone who engages in intellectual repartee about matters of heart hasn’t got it together, and you don’t need to get-together with them. Wouldn’t you rather be loved than understood, if it came to that (and it will)?

8. ZEN: “Beware, as they say, of mistaking finger for moon when you’re pointing at it.” John Cage EQ COMPETENCY: Intentionality.

Date person long enough to determine that when they talk about their religious beliefs, they have intention to follow them. In other words, they’re not just repeating something they memorized, or just saying what they think you want to hear. Someone deeply in that delicious falling-in-love stage will do this. Haven’t you? That’s why we take our time. 9. ZEN: “The first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming cheerful.” Swami Vivekananda EQ COMPETENCY: Positive attitude, optimism.

IF you believe this is test of “being religious,” then Swami Vivekananda is man for you. If you prefer a person with a positive attitude, as I do, and it comes with religious belief, better yet. (Studies show marriages are happiest when number of positive comments about self, other and relationship is 3x number of negative comments.) 10. ZEN: “When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.” Henry David Thoreau EQ COMPETENCY: Common sense! When it feels right and good, go for it!

Ultimately it’s difficult to live with someone who doesn’t have your same values and priorities. SHAWNA discovered this when dating a man outside her faith. He loved her and was willing to convert, attending classes and services with her. She was troubled that even so, he didn’t “believe” what she did. Growing up with a certain faith engrains it at a level that can rarely be approached when it’s learned later in life. There’s a huge time factor in there. This may or may not be unsurmountable. In SHAWNA’s case it was. She couldn’t feel he had, or ever would have, same beliefs as she did.

TOMAS, on other hand, fell in love with someone outside his faith, from another culture, and more than 10 years younger. “Still,” he said, “we’re two peas in a pod. I could care less if she goes to a synagogue and I don’t.”

SAMIA married someone she met at her mosque, but problems began to spring up immediately. “I assumed too much, she said. “I thought we felt same way about things, but it didn’t live out way I thought it would. I wish I’d given it more time. It’s hard to think when you’re that much in love.” SAMIA found it was a difference that wouldn’t work and they separated. In their case, their religious beliefs, in words, were a match, but they weren’t lived out in ways that were compatible.

P.S. If you come from different faith backgrounds and plan to have children, work this one out ahead of time. It can be a bigee when time comes.

As I started to examine cause of worry, I realized that worriers believe that worry will stop bad things from happening. My mother worried her whole life and none of bad things she worried about ever happened. She concluded that nothing bad happened because she worried! She really believed that she could control things with her worry. My father, however, never worried about anything, and nothing bad ever happened to him either. My mother believed that nothing bad happened to my father because of her worry! She really believed until day she died (from heart problems that may have been due to her constant worry) that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. My father is still alive at 92, even without her worrying about him!

It is not easy to stop worrying when you have been practicing worrying for most of your life. In order for me to stop worrying, I needed to recognize that belief that worry has control over outcomes is a complete illusion. I needed to see that, not only is worry a waste of time, but that it can have grave negative consequences on health and well-being. Once I understood this, I was able to notice stomach clenching that occurred whenever I worried and stop thought that was causing stress.

Carole is in process of learning this. She sees that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed. She sees that when she doesn’t worry, she is not nearly as fatigued as when she allows her addiction to worry to take over. She sees that when she stays in moment rather than projecting into future, she feels much better. The key for Carole in stopping worrying is in accepting that worry does not give her control.

Giving up illusion of control that worry gives us not easy for anyone who worries. Yet there is an interesting paradox regarding worry. I have found that when I am in present moment, I have a much better chance of making choices that support my highest good than when I’m stuck thinking about future. Rather than giving us control, worry prevents us from being present enough to make loving choices for ourselves and others. Worrying actually ends up giving us less control rather than more!