But, “real people” do not fall in love with “robots” or “intelligent” toys, and clearly know difference between a "Barbie" doll and a Playboy "bunny". They like simple, affordable, easy-to-use things that bring them a sense of joy not pain in brain. And some believe it or not, still like feel of cold hard cash under their mattress, rather than fraudulent-prone “smart” financial transaction cards and hacker-friendly on-line banking systems). On other hand, PUFF - (Personally Useless Facts & Fluff), appeals to everyone regardless of age, race, color, creed, and religion …especially those who have a penchant for tripping light fantastic in spite of fact they can't do Highland Fling, hate bagpipes, and don’t own a kilt.

The “deeply digital world” in which we live may have been created by "Guru of Gobbledygook", but GODDESS OF GLITCH still knows when to throw an agonizing little analog aardvark into “systems” devised by “smart people” with swelled heads who think machines are more intelligent than their often muddle-headed makers.

Why are “smart” folk with “soft-skills” spending an inordinate amount of time and money trying to make everyday “hard” objects “intelligent” (be they appliances, blinds, books, cars, drills, key-chains, paint, sneakers, telephones, or wristwatches)? Why are they so interested in taking these objects “beyond their core functions”? Why can't they live a day without a gadget, gewgaw, or GPS gizmo guiding their every move?

When 80% of us don’t need or use “cutting-edge” new features of these everyday things, when we can’t be bothered to scroll through a CD-ROM “help” manual to find "off" button, and don’t have time to take an advanced software course to learn how to program a VCR not to mention how to stop it flashing 12:00 am, it’s time for a hair transplant and a nifty new “plug and play” tune … “Get Your Latest Smart Software With Grunt Work Included ...for only three easy payments of $29.95 plus shipping and handling charges”!

“Smarty-pants” may have invented all those “productive” pocket technology devices but, fractured fingers and fried brains are a testament to damage caused by being tethered to them 24/7. Far from visions of “sugar plums dancing in one’s head”, or just a good night’s sleep, daunting number of daffy devices and incompatible technologies are leading to System Screw-ups, BotBattles, and even Robotic Inchworm Drill Flops on Mars!

Stop talking to your PC. Quit running around with your digital camera to capture an artificially-intelligent dinosaur roaming free in Disney Theme Park. And, forget about latest “smart” night vision on your vehicle; (you shouldn’t be driving anyway, you’ve had one too many “smart” drinks fortified with Gingko Baloba for your own good)!

Why not just take things easy, smell roses, kiss Blarney Stone, and whatever you do, share some good-old fashioned fairytales with friends or family ...and include a pitcher of fresh milk (courtesy of a contented cow) plus a plate of real cookies (courtesy of Mom's favorite recipe) !!

Hypopotamus – a short-legged, thick-skinned, under-performing vegetarian creature with limited bench-pressing abilities

Jokel – An Old World dog with a wicked sense of humor and lots of tricks up his sleeve

Kingflasher – a big name bird whose crests and crowns never cover his breast and tail discretely

Mongooser – a flat-witted, feisty-footed, posterior-pinching paramour of unknown origin

Pantelope – a graceful, butt-crack beast that lives in elevators and rides a bike to work

Pottypus – a toilet-trained, duck-billed devil from Tasmania

Scantelope – a fleet-of-foot, bare-all buxom beast (whose revealing exploits are chronicled in best-selling naturist book, “What Really Went On Behind Scenes in Garden of Eden”)

Screech fowl – a breath-taking barnyard beast that hasn’t learned when to keep his/her trap shut

Screwupworm – a two-winged whimsical creature that nuzzles in nostrils of a few nobodies as lackadaisical larva do, and then promptly engages in some serious botching activities (often with incredibly bewildering if not totally blundering results)

Scuzzard – a dirty, contemptible, shabby-looking vulture with a bad case of halitosis (but good enough to become a mood-enhancing mascot on a u-brew beer label)

Slack Widow – a spiteful, supine, and very venomous Old World Spiderwoman

Springblotch – a clean, youthful, four-footed freak of nature that makes a mess of everything

Swelldish – a pleasant-looking puffer that makes one blush at first sight

Swilldebeest – a swashbuckling species that rarely count its drinks and eats freely, greedily or to excess if given least opportunity

Titter Sucker – a boisterous bawling bird with a tipsy tongue (commonly found in Canadian wet bars)

Too-Too Titi – a la-di-da little scamp with a long tail and an engaging smile…what else!

Whopping Crane – a large, nearly extinct American bird that beats its breast, flaps its wings, and yells “Cowabunga” for no apparent reason at all

Willeye – a good-natured, willing-ready-and-able creature that spends most of its futile life swimming around in quality-improvement circles

So, if you end up in a hole-in-the-wall-place and loose your power of positive thinking – don’t forget to organize a titillating twisted tongue tournament – it’ll do wonders do bring out wonky wordpeckers who live there, not to mention odd-ball strangers.