I decided to call my mother. "Hi mom. I thought I would give you a quick call."

"How sweet. You took time to call your mother."

"No. No. I didn't take anything," I protested.

"Oh yes you did. You even took my advice to call more often. And you took account of your mother's happiness. And you took ... Hello? Hello?"

I just could not take any more. I scrambled out door, receiver still dangling from table.

I had to take off. No, that would just keep me from sleeping. I saw my neighbor. Surely I could give him a hand.

"Sorry. Today I'm just relaxing." He studied stress etched upon my face. "You look like you should take a break, too."

"No, I can't take a break. Takers don't sleep well at night."

"Well, at least you're taking a stand on something."

"I am NOT taking a stand," I protested. I was beginning to feel like a career protester.

"Take it easy, fellow."

Yikes! My neighbor was making me into a champion taker. I darted back toward my house.

"Take care," my neighbor called after me.

"Noooooooooo" I screamed with my hands over my ears.

Crouched in safety of my favorite closet, I tallied up day. I gave advice, a compliment and my opinion. I took it back, my silly opinions, time, my mother's advice and account of my mother's happiness, off, a break, a stand, it easy and care. I gave three times and took ten times.

No wonder I wasn't sleeping well at night. I was truly a taker. There was nothing left to do but to take a sleeping pill. That should give me at least five hours of sleep, give or take a few.

Even Little Lady's finger paints come in eight tantalizing fruit flavors. Huh? Why would something parents try so hard to discourage kids from putting in their mouths smell like blueberries and bananas and cherries, when toothpaste we try so hard to encourage them to put in their mouths comes in just mint.

In fairness, Little Lady's edible toothpaste (Most toothpaste is inedible – imagine that!) comes in two flavors: berry and bubble gum ... but that's not much of a choice. Surely Big Mint will soon shut down this renegade operation muscling in on their territory.

I want to see same creativity go into toothpaste flavors as went into "Hot Fudge Sundae" Pop Tarts. Or Plymouth Prowler retro dragster. Or those chocolate covered grasshopper jelly beans.

As I write this column from behind wheel of my car – in a parking lot, of course – I see so many people pass by. Tall people. Short people. Thin people. Neat people. Sloppy people. Human people. Canine people. People carrying. People riding. People smiling. People frowning. If there are so many types of people, and my grocery store stocks 72 types of cereal and 37 types of crackers, doesn't it seem just a little spooky that none of toothpaste manufacturers are willing to stand up to Big Mint?

Variety is spice of life. Don't let Big Mint oppress you. Don't let mint-enthusiast bullies stifle your democratic right to free taste.

There is no conclusive evidence that a handful of pumpkin-pie-flavored jelly beans will derail your diet more than three tubes of "fresh and minty" toothpaste. So enjoy your multicultural jelly beans ... even if you are on a diet.