When you receive exceptional service at a restaurant or a member of public goes out of their way to help you out – what do you do? How do you thank them?

Recently a down and out guy sat hunched up in cold outside a chip shop was handed some chicken and chips and a hot cup of coffee by a concerned passer by who only went into chippie out of compassion to buy a meal for someone who was obviously less fortunate than himself. In response tramp replied angrily “You could have just given me some money”

You drive through a busy town centre and no one gives you right of way or offers to let you out so you have to edge your way into traffic and force yourself out into busy road, eventually blocking it so that others are reluctantly forced to let you out. Just when you despair of human race a natural disaster of epic proportion in form of a tsunami devastates a multitude of countries. Your faith in human nature is restored as you see millions, billions even, being donated to charities. The point of this rant? Did you donate to tsunami relief effort? Do you take trouble to thank people on a regular basis for things they have done for you or do you take it for granted. Are you a contributor to modern society and its ugly side? Think about it. It affects way you live…

Only you can really answer these questions. What experiences of ingratitude or gratitude have you come across recently?

A simple thank you costs nothing……..

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“Are you saying it’s okay for him to lie to me?”

“No, I’m not saying it’s okay or not okay. I’m not making a value judgment about it. You asked why he’s lying and I’m telling you why. Lying is just another form of protection against pain, just as your anger is a form of protection against pain.”

“So what do I do? How do I deal with this?”

“Amanda, you need to shift your intention from trying to control him to being open to learning about what is behind his behavior. From his point of view, there are some important reasons why he is using porno, and why he is lying about it. Trying to control him will only result in more lying and resistance, but wanting to learn can result in understanding and resolution. You need to approach him with caring and a desire to learn rather than with anger and judgment – about both porno and lying. You would need to say something like, ‘Ron, I know that you have been going to porno sites on Internet. Please don’t lie about it anymore. I know there must be some good reasons you are doing this and I really want to understand what it’s about for you.’ However, you have to be aware that words themselves are less important than intent behind them. If you say these same words with anger and judgment, he will be defensive. Don’t ask until you feel genuinely open and caring.”

Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of consequences of telling truth. Lying may be one end of a relationship system, with anger and judgment on other end. Whether relationship is a primary one between mates or between parents and children, or a relationship between friends or between co-workers, lying may be a part of it when fear of anger and judgment is an issue. Most people do not know how to handle another’s anger and judgment and may revert to being child they were when they learned to lie to their parents to avoid punishment.

If you want to trust that people are not going to lie to you, then you need to shift your intention in your relationships from controlling to learning.