A Bird's Eye View of THE ENCHANTED SELF and what it means to YOU!Written by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Continued from page 1
The Third Gateway to Enchantment is Learning To Meet Your Needs and Negotiate for Yourself. The worst thing is to be so dependent on others and whims of others that we are not able to live out our dreams. We need education, skills, tools, and negotiating powers that will take us to fulfill our missions in life. So, don’t be afraid of education, don’t be afraid to go back for a degree at sixty, don’t be afraid to have a mentor, to look for advice, to find out how other people have succeeded in a particular field. For instance, I remember treating a young woman who had so much to offer but no path! Divorced and with two young sons she was forced back into parent's home and not happy about it. But once she started back to school and became a nurse all her doors opened for her. She had financial security, a home again for her boys and a future! It was tough but forth struggle. The fourth Gateway is experience of joy. This Gateway is so incredibly essential. It means replenishing yourself so that you are not running on empty. It also means not straining yourself, not accepting more assignments than you can really handle. When I have opened this Gateway I am able to bow out when I need to. Maybe I take that vacation I need or want or maybe I am just strong enough to say I will do this task later or you better find someone else to handle it and then I get a good night's sleep. By protecting my mind, body and spirit I not only set hontest guidelines with others, so I don't disappoint them, but I make room for joy. Replenishment leads to feeling good and joy fills us when we are full of life and vitality. Of course it is necessary to find ways to replenish ourselves that work. If you love to travel, look for ways to travel. If you love to be with your friends, get together, if you love to be with your grandchildren, then sit on floor and play games or plant a garden…whatever works for you. The Fifth Gateway is Gateway of Community. We all know how important it is to feel we belong, that others care about us and we care about others. But, what you may not realize is that belonging is a major way to offset depression. You see, more we are truly connected to others and feel a responsibility within a world beyond ourselves, less tendency is for us to get blue and withdrawn. Obviously, this is a very important Gateway. Finding right communities to connect are ongoing assignments for all of us-where we live, who are friends are, what church or synagogue we attend, what interest groups we identify with, etc. The Sixth Gateway is gateway of mentoring and being a mentor. Very often, we dismiss and minimize our own wisdom. We are wise, we have a tremendous amount we can offer others and there is always others to offer wisdom to ourselves. I love this little story that a friend told me. She said I am learning so much from my neighbor. I said, "Who is that?" She mentioned persons name. I had never heard her mention her name before even though we often chatted. My friend said, “Well, I don’t really know her, I just watch her.” I asked what do she meant. She explained, "She lives a few houses away and I watch her. I see how she greets her guests, how welcoming she is, how she always walks a guest out and says good-bye. I see her stand there until guest leaves. I see how radiant her smile is. Although she is twenty years younger than myself, she is a real mentor for me, I am learning from her all time." That is an example of how easy it is to be mentored. Even birds mentor us with their wonderful song. Start to look for mentors-you will find them all over. And don't forget that you are a mentor-perhaps even when you don't know it. Last but not least is Gateway of Positive Action or Good Deeds. So essential in all world and so essential for good.mental health. Research shows that more we help others, more generous in spirit we are, whether we give time, money, a smile, or a helping hand, our moods lift. Of course, if we offer to point of exhaustion then we defeat purpose and we will be on empty! The idea is to balance good mental health by using wise judgement calls of moderation and balance. These are Seven Gates; we go through them again and again in life. We never close a door on any of them, we are always back, we are always learning more, we are always having to reflect on our lives one more time or learn some new behaviors, make a new decision, recognize and acknowledge who we are and what we need and, of course, find new ways to bring pleasure and meaning into our lives. A PLAYDATE WITH ENCHANTMENT What I would like you to do now is to play with Seventh Gateway-that of Positive Action. Take a peice of paper write down 2 positive actions that you can do over next year. The first one is a positive action you can do for yourself. Make it something that will be good for yourself, such as to restore yourself or broaden your life. The second action is something that is good for world and of course will not harm yourself. You have a year to do these. Put them in your pocketbook, look at them once in awhile. Do you realize that just by actually doing these two actions you will: 1) bring more pleasure and joy to yourself and 2) improve world in some small way. Wow- two wonderful steps toward coming home to your ENCHANTED SELF!
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein , originator of THE ENCHANTED SELF®, a method of bringing delight and meaning into everyday living, invites you to view her new line of ENCHANTED WOMAN products, downloadable e-books, and free gifts at http://www.enchantedself.com.
The Depressive NarcissistWritten by Sam Vaknin
Continued from page 1
IV. Grandiosity Gap Dysphoria
The narcissist's firmly, though counterfactually, perceives himself as omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, brilliant, accomplished, irresistible, immune, and invincible. Any data to contrary is usually filtered, altered, or discarded altogether. Still, sometimes reality intrudes and creates a Grandiosity Gap. The narcissist is forced to face his mortality, limitations, ignorance, and relative inferiority. He sulks and sinks into an incapacitating but short-lived dysphoria.
V. Self-Punishing Dysphoria
Deep inside, narcissist hates himself and doubts his own worth. He deplores his desperate addiction to Narcissistic Supply. He judges his actions and intentions harshly and sadistically. He may be unaware of these dynamics – but they are at heart of narcissistic disorder and reason narcissist had to resort to narcissism as a defence mechanism in first place.
This inexhaustible well of ill will, self-chastisement, self-doubt, and self-directed aggression yields numerous self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours – from reckless driving and substance abuse to suicidal ideation and constant depression.
It is narcissist's ability to confabulate that saves him from himself. His grandiose fantasies remove him from reality and prevent recurrent narcissistic injuries. Many narcissists end up delusional, schizoid, or paranoid. To avoid agonising and gnawing depression, they give up on life itself.
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He is the the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.